Questions, Questions, Questions

We're back to questions; this time, well meaning questions. "Have you heard anything about the adoption?" People who see me playing with the child of a friend practically shouting, "Oh thank God! You've got your baby!" That was comical, but the stress is cumulative. I called my pastor and asked for him and his wife to pray for us regarding a specific situation and he placed us on the prayer chain without permission.

I am very grateful for a church family who is excited for us and prays for us. But I really don't want to talk about it anymore.

 

Holding your breath

Over the last few weeks our Adoption Profile has been circulated three times, and just this last week it has been marked as a favorite for a woman here in the Seattle area. She wants to look at "just a few" more profiles to make sure we are the right people and we should know by next week if we're going to be interviewed. I've been frustrated by the waiting in the past, and have felt rejected by the last few we've been passed over for. But to be honest, This time, I know what ever happens it was supposed to happen this way. I have peace. And while I'm holding my breath in anticipation, it's not in a stressful negative way. I am feeling confident in God's soverienty in the situation. I have people praying for me and I feel like things are happening for the best.

I'm excited, but I'm not overly excited. I know what ever happens it's the right thing and I'm one day closer to my child. Tomorrow I could be a basket case, but right now...I'm doing ok!

People to remember in Prayer:
Peter and his PSA
Peter's wife, who has interesting landmarks on her MRI
Aundrea and Scott who are dealing with fertility issues.
Abbey and her battle with MERSA
And Chelsee in Seattle.

Remember to breathe!

Where does the money go? And where can it come from?

Application fees: initial and formal.

Finger Printing 10.00 per person for up to two cards each

FBI processing

Training fee

Home Study Fee

Web Profile hosting and development fee

Medical fees

Final Placement fee

Legal Proceedings

Pass Through Costs: Costs incurred by the birth family that a judge allows them to ask reimbursement for from the agency, which then gets passed through to the adoptive family. Most of the time unless the child is in NICU for several days prior to official placement, this doesn't go higher than 3K, but it can be expensive.

I won't be posting the actual fees, but the average adoption in the US is 30k ish.

Today marks day 101. We should be hearing about our financial aid request through Shaohannah's Hope any day now. It would be nice to get a little grant!

To pray for today:

Chelsea and Sarah

 

Prayer Update:

My friend Leah's grandmother is doing much better and doesn't have a serious condition. Yay!!

Compassion International

For the past year my husband and I have been sponsoring a child. When I was growing up I saw ads for "Save the Children" and "Feed the Children" and many other child sponsorship programs, but I never thought I'd actually do it.

In 2007 Compassion International presented their mission at my church and a local Volunteer, a Fireman whose name escapes me, told us about how his relationship with the child he sponsors changed his life. He'd brought several child sponsorship packets with him for people to look through and choose if they wished. I remember the tone of his speech and how it had nothing to do with making me feel guilty for the life I lived, the things I have and the money in my savings account. There was none of the "For the price of a latte a week you can feed three children" guilt trip that I'd been exposed to in my childhood. Instead his testimony of how the little girl he was sponsoring had turned him from a tough guy into a "Big Ole Softie" made me want to go look at the packets he's brought with him. I prayed then, that if God wanted me to sponsor a child that my husband would bring it up. Well, after service I got waylaid by a friend who wanted to know about dinner plans for the evening. When I caught up to Jer in the Narthex, he said, "I picked this one". He showed me a picture of a six year old boy in tan pants and a blue shirt. I remember looking at it and feeling my heart break. This little boy's clothes seemed to be the right size for his height, but they were so loose. It looked like the clothes were wearing the boy. His name is Rahul. I can honestly say that sponsoring this little guy has been a privilege. His birthday was in January and we sent an additional gift to him through Compassion. In February we received a thank you letter detailing the things that had been purchased for him by the program staff. He received new school clothes, new shoes a new school bag and notebooks and pencils. He had never owned new things before; he'd always worn donated clothes and shoes from the church charity box. At that moment, my heart broke again, I realized the difference Jer and I were making in this little boy's life. When wrote my return letter, I assured him that we would continue to support him and that we were thrilled to be a part of his birthday. I told him about my birthday and that I turned 30 and my friends gave me a party. I told him about our vacation and sent pictures of Hawaii along with the letter. In March he sent another letter saying that he wished his "Auntie" a Late Happy Birthday. He called me Auntie! It is respectful in his country to do so, but usually it is just "Auntie Kelley" not "My Auntie Kelley". Rahul's place in our family was established in a tangible way through this communication. His letters to us are illustrated by what he's learning in school; pictures of trucks, his numbers and letters in Hindi and English, followed by a letter written by one of the staff members as it is dictated by a six year old.

Compassion International was part of our Mission's Conference, which you can read about in my general blog. When my sweet husband saw the packets lining the table once again, he looked at me and asked, "Can we do a little girl too?" I agreed and then I got called away to help in the kitchen. Later on I looked at the packets and noticed Maria. Later, when it was time to choose, I met Jer in the Narthex again and he said, "How about this one?" and it was Maria.

Compassion International helps communities by partnering with the existing local churches in impoverished communities and sets up program centers either in them, or near them, where no child is turned away regardless of religion. They then follow their Holistic Child Development Model to care for children from conception to adulthood.

I am so excited to get to know Maria the way I've become acquainted with Rahul. For a woman like me who is waiting to adopt, and enjoys children, having a little boy in India who calls me Auntie and a little girl in Brazil who will most likely call me "Tia" helps me to feel like I make a difference in the lives of children. I am honored to be a sponsor and very proud to associate with Compassion International.

Poverty, natural disasters, and illness are so devastating for the developing bodies of children; the global problem of child poverty is something that everyone can help to change. Individual efforts like mine and corporate efforts like that of Compassion International and the Red Letters Campaign are all valuable. The more of us that take part and contribute what we can, poverty will be replaced by healthy communities and the knowledge that the hope survives in spite of greed.

De-Mystifying the Home Study

When we began our adoption process, the portion I had the most concern about was the "Home Study" even today my friends are not quite certain what the home study process was all about.

The Home Study is actually a large document. (Think mortgage papers) Interviews, financial paperwork and applications are enclosed and a visit to the home is detailed in the home study document. Candidates for adoption are evaluated by questionnaire (the one I answered was 40 questions long and it was personal), then personal interview where the social worker goes over some of your answers on the questionnaire. Bethany's counselors are all extremely friendly, I never felt like I was being evaluated, Becky made me feel so comfortable with her that I had no problem talking with her during what felt a bit like a job interview.

The visit to our house was actually not an intrusive thing. I had invited Becky to have dinner with us, and it worked out well. We ate and then went over a few other questions together and she took a look around the house making sure that it could keep out the cold and the rain, and that even though our back room is the disaster office that everyone has; we weren't packrats hording things we don't use or need.

I suppose it depends on your personality whether or not the whole thing is intrusive. I've never minded meeting people and making friends, this just added some paperwork to the process. Some people are not ok answering personal questions and having a stranger come in and make sure they aren't hoarders and living in a ramshackle. Some people have a higher level of privacy that they protect. But I want to be a mother and anything that can get me to that goal is worth it entirely.

Evening Prayer:

Lord this evening I pray for my friend Leah, whose grandmother is extremely ill, I pray that you will comfort everyone in her family in this difficult time. And in the world of Adoption I pray for Tygh and Brittney and Ben and Ginger; give them strength while they wait and wisdom in their decisions. For Chelsee who will be selecting a family in the coming weeks I pray you will give her wisdom and comfort and assurance to the birthfather that he is doing the right thing by agreeing to the adoption. And for Jer and me, I ask for fortitude and comfort as we continue to hope and pray and wait.

Infertility: A New Perspective

When I first realized I wasn't going to be able to have biological children, I was angry. I was angry at God for taking my motherhood from me. I have always wanted children. Even when I was a child I knew I wanted to be a Mommy some day. So, for me to have my fertility in jeopardy initiated a fear that I would never be a mother, that produced anger toward God, the world, irony, etc.

But once I calmed down, after some yelling at the ceiling and God, and crying in the shower, I came to a realization.

My infertility was not a punishment, nor was it an insult from God. Instead it was the opposite. It was a compliment. God telling me that he trusted me to love someone not because I produced them, but because He needed me to. Once I embraced this idea; I went from Angry to Enthusiastic. I was on fire. I am still on fire. I have passion for my Adoptive child and I've not even met their birth parents yet.

I am excited to meet my child; I am excited to pray for birth mothers of other people's adoptive children, I am in love with the love that awaits me.

I am thankful for God's trust in me. I now look at my infertility in a new way. I can't say that I'm completely thankful for it, but I am thankful for the opportunity I have to be a mother in a special way, a way that to me means that I have God's favor.

That may not be something that other people are willing to accept, but I'm going to run with it, because it feels right.

My prayer tonight is for Kristen in Denver and Amber in Tacoma. May you be wise in your decisions, and confident with the decisions you make. I pray that Jesus will comfort you in your trials and that you will find a way to celebrate your bravery. I pray for Sarah and Jonathan in Portland, and Kate and Wilson in Seattle. May your children find you and God comfort you while you wait.

90 days

Today marks the 90^th day of our wait to be chosen by a Birth Mother. A.A. gives out medals for such things. I'd consider waiting for this long with only minor emotional breakdowns an accomplishment!

While I like and fully believe in the concept of open adoption, it does have a disadvantage: rejection. While it isn't intended and isn't personal; we are passed over in favor of other families. It is a fact, and for an emotional person like myself. It is incredibly difficult to be passed over. The only thing that keeps me from depression is my faith that Jesus Christ has my back. He has designed a plan for our life and our family. I believe His design to be superior to my own. I just have to remind myself of it daily.

So 90 days ago our profile was posted on Bethany's Site!

My prayers are with those who've waited longer than Jer and I; and with the birthmothers making difficult decisions tonight. May God give you comfort and wisdom in your decision making processes.

To the waiting, James 1:1-3 keeps me going; endurance and patience are traits we will be able to use when our children are finally with us and are having bad nights, out past curfew, and throwing tantrums in the mall while people snicker or whisper "why don't they do something?" and think we can't hear them.

Explaining Vs. Storytelling

Don't you want your own children?

Why would you want to adopt?

Where are you adopting from?

American babies are all drug affected aren't they?

Why don't you try in-vitro?

It's so sad you have to adopt.

You're so lucky you won't have to give birth.

How much does it cost?

Whoa, that's expensive, can you afford it?

Questions and comments like these are common for a couple looking into adopting a child to hear. I have been asked all of the above by people as close to me as my mother and as unknown to me as the sales rep from the dental supply company at work. They are all deeply personal, and highly insulting if asked by a stranger. In all honesty, the most offensive thing is that instead of asking me to tell my story, they inquire about things that are important to them. Usually these questions are only a miniscule part of the story. They want an explanation not an understanding of our motivation. The people who ask these questions want reassurance that we've looked at all the options and facts before jumping into a pot that they're not familiar with. What they don't seem to want to know is, the real story of our journey.

Adoption is not the "alternate route." It isn't a second best way to build a family, and it most certainly isn't a decision that anyone makes lightly. No one adopts a child so that they won't have to go through the pains of labor and delivery. In all seriousness, adoption has its own labor and delivery process. Nothing about it is "easier" than building your family through biology, and both are equally yet separately difficult.

In our case, I had an idea that we may not be able to conceive a child. I had symptoms of fertility problems beginning in High School. When I met and married my husband, I went on the pill to "make sure" we wouldn't get pregnant before our fifth anniversary. In my heart I knew it was most likely not something I needed to worry about. But we all tell ourselves little things to move forward. When we decided to "try" we did so for two years without medical assistance. When it became evident that help was needed, we prayerfully considered our choices. We chose a maximum assistance level of medication. If we weren't going to get pregnant in our own bed we weren't going to get pregnant at all.

Clomid is a difficult prescription drug. It worked for me in that it did produce follicles but they never matured to the size necessary for conception. It also made it difficult for me to manage my weight. So, we took stock of our emotions, finances and family climate and realized that all things seemed in order for us to adopt.

Emotionally both my husband and I are capable of loving children that don't belong to us. We have several friends with young children and while we don't love them exactly as if they were our own, we recognize the capacity to do so. The idea that one need not give birth to be a parent was a concept that we found we could wrap our minds around. When asked; our families showed the proper supportive attitudes toward adoption; and we could manage the financial undertakings of the process. This is not to say that we didn't approach the situation with a certain amount of anxiety or trepidation. We were just as scared and ignorant of the process as the next person. Even now I would never claim to be an adoption expert. All I really know is what's going on with our particular situation and how our agency works.

What I know is that my heart was built with several missing pieces. There's the place for God, the place for parents, the place for a husband and at least one for a child. God does not make a woman with a mothering heart just to let that heart go fallow. That void is not meant to ache for all time. It is meant to be filled with love for a child. God doesn't forsake the desires of our hearts, He finds the proper puzzle piece to fill it, and even better than finding the right piece, He designs it to fit perfectly.

And just to answer those questions above:

My child will be my own.

I don't just want to adopt, I am overjoyed to be doing so.

I am adopting an American infant.

No, there are many situations where drugs and alcohol are not a factor.

Fertility treatments are a personal matter, I'd rather not discuss them publicly.

I am honored to be an adoptive parent in waiting and I will be honored to be an adoptive parent.

Birth is a miracle; Adoption is a different miracle with its own contractions.

In some cases Adoption is free.

Like Fertility Treatments, Finances are a personal matter.

I'd like to encourage anyone who knows of a person who is adopting a child to ask, "Tell me your adoption story" instead of any of the above questions. Most likely your questions will be answered and if they aren't; perhaps that information isn't something you need to know.

We Took the Plunge

In February of 2008 we stopped wasting time. We'd been married for nearly nine years and had been trying for pregnancy for three. We decided that God's Plan was obvious. Our child would be an Adopted child.

After filling out endless forms and writing our life story we were placed on the Bethany Christian Services web site. We were approved and posted on our ninth anniversary and we're currently waiting to be selected by a birth mother. I've never been so excited or stressed in my entire life. I know that God has His hand on our situation and I'm trying very hard to let go and trust...but my oh my how hard it can be!