Thank Heaven...for little friends.

Jer and I ended up staying home alone for Christmas this year, the insanity that was the "Solstice Storm" lasted awhile, and we didn't want to get stuck in Oregon unable to get back home! Jer sneaked a set of baby socks into my stocking, which was really sweet. I love it when he shows me just how much he wants to be a daddy.

So, Christmas Eve I roasted a turkey breast and made up some easy fixings. We had a nice quiet evening. In the morning, we had a little breakfast together and opened our gifts, Jer always does well in the giving, I never have to give him a list, he's just a great gift giver!
And then we went over to Beth and Nathan's for a few hours and played with the kids and their new toys. Gavin got a Kid-proof Digital Camera, and he's really good at it!

We then joined our friend's family for Christmas Dinner and had a really good dinner! Halibut, prime rib and mashed potatoes! Later we went to See "Benjamin Button". I have a review on my general blog. Long. That's a summary.

I think children make the Holiday though. I had a great time with Carley and Gavin, they make not having a child of our own bearable, I don't know what we're going to do without them! New York is just SO Far away! But, seeing them so happy made me really happy too. We watched them tonight while their parents went out to dinner, and that was totally awesome.

I think the fact that our friends are so generous with their children is a great help, they let us play with the kids without hovering, they trust us with them, and let us love them. We don't love them as our own, (even though we hope our future kids are as sweet as they are)but as special kids in our lives.

I made a conscious effort after our "Diagnosis" to continue enjoying babies, and children and the company of other women who are mothers and/or pregnant; I have always loved them and I saw the pain it could bring, but I also saw how much I needed to keep that part of myself intact. There were moments when it was hard, but now I find that it is healing for me to be around them. When I have a sad day, I try to go see Beth and the kids; because for me, they are like little band-aids on the hurts of my heart. Carley's sweet smile and sparkling eyes are good medicine, and hearing Gavin's little voice say "I love you, Kelley" well, it melts my heart in a good way!

I know for others, the proximity to children can be unbearable, and the sight of an infant can be like an ice-cold knife slicing through your heart. Especially when it seems like the mother is acting superior or haughty. And if they are going to flaunt their baby like that, they could at least ask if you'd like to hold him/her!

I wish all of you who are waiting and expecting or just following this journal a belated Merry Christmas and a very Prosperous New Year. May the Lord see fit to bless you with your dreams and give you special fortitude while you wait.

I pray for the hearts that need changing, I pray for the Lord's will to be done. Help us accept that will as it becomes evident to us. Thank you for hope, and faith.

The redemption of Romans 8:28

Not that it needs it, redemption that is; but the use of the Verse tends to come at terrible times, and it gets truncated, twisted and becomes trite.

The New American Standard Reads:

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Which makes me wonder if the people who use the first part, you know when something terrible happens in your life, and someone comes up to you and says, "Well, you know, God makes everything work together for good", actually have ever read the whole thing from the Bible at all or if they've only ever heard it from other people at awful times in their own lives so they feel obligated to perpetuate the sick to your stomach feeling it causes. I've always wanted to say "Really? Thanks for telling me that I should be pleased that tragedy has struck."

Instead, it should be used to inspire hope, when things are looking up but you're going through something complicated, so that we can continue to strive to be doing what God has called us to, to make sure we are in it for His purpose and not merely for our own individual glory. When handing out verses to people when they've had their heart broken, we need to remember to really know what the verse means. THE WHOLE THING, not merely part a, and sometimes you even have to use the preceding and follow up verses to make sure you're using the verse in context!

A friend of mine who has been praying for my husband and I as we've been plugging along on our path to parenthood sent me an encouraging note with this verse attached to it, and for the first time, I felt like it was given to me in an appropriate manner. It meant something to me. Yes, I am struggling, but I'm not in grief, I'm prayerfully contemplating my role in a situation that is indeed difficult. And I'm in a calm enough place to look at everything happening as a multifaceted issue that looks like the inside of a clock, with all its little cogs and sprockets working together to produce an outcome. That outcome is important to me, it will affect my life, it may change my life completely, or it may be something that changes me and prepares me for a different situation. But whatever the outcome, I have been able to see most of the factors working together to produce the outcome of this situation. It is indeed an awesome and encouraging verse when it's used in the proper context!

Dear Lord, Thank you for Deb! Thank you for her commitment to praying for me and for my family. She is such a blessing to me. Thank you also for Beth and Nathan who've committed to spending time in prayer for my sake. I pray that you will bless them as they have blessed me. Their support has brought me peace and I'm overjoyed to feel calm in my heart. Thank you for your unending Love, Grace and for your Gift of salvation to me. Help me to have courage in the weeks to come, let my tears show in joy and not in fear. Thank you for Romans 8:28, thank you for beginning to show me its true meaning.

A prayer for hearts that need changing.

Dear Lord, as you work in our lives, keep us focused, soften the hearts that need softening. Help those who are in need of a change of heart to hear what they need to hear in order to be changed, and let it be gentle. Please Father, let it be an epiphany that strikes quickly and is healed quickly. Grant those of us who wait upon the change peace of mind in your perfect and most awesome plan. You are the great orchestrator, and you are writing this story. Help us all to live your writing with grace.

In your most powerful and mighty name I pray,
Amen

Grief Cycle

It seems to get shorter. But it always has the same steps: Heartbreak, "maybe they won't get along", pout, blog, talk to Jer, pout together, acceptance. Some of these things happen at the same time, but they always happen; I often pout and blog at the same time.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for being all knowing. Thank you for giving me another experience. Thank you for patients that put things into perspective for me. B.G. rocks, thank you for putting him in my chair today, his words were a blessing. Thank you for showing me how hard birthmom's have it when they're choosing people. I know the person I had to decline to show our profile was a taste of how hard it is to say "Not this one". It was an eye opener.

Lord, I pray for Art and his wife, I pray they don't have to wait much longer. I pray that you will put a special woman and child into their life, someone who needs them and the special gifts you've blessed them with. Comfort her as she struggles with the hurt of seeing other mothers with their sweet infants. I know that ache, and I know how painful it can be. I pray that you will continue to comfort me and Jer as we deal with rejection, but that we were not right for the babies in question. I put the future in your hands, and I thank you for the opportunity to get to know a fellow mother in waiting. I pray that we will become friends, and that we may find comfort in each other, and that we will be able to rejoice with each other soon. That we will really feel that all the waiting really was worth it and that all of the hills and valleys were placed in our paths for our benefit, for our faith and relationship with you to grow ever stronger. Let the peace that goes beyond the understanding of the reasons we weren't chosen fill our hearts and calm our souls. May every day we spend without children teach us a valuable lesson about every day we will live as mothers.

Jesus, your name is Power and Might, and I pray this in your name, Amen.

Are we doing the right thing?

Some days we're so close to being a family I can taste it. Days like yesterday when a birthmother was looking at our profile along with a few others. And the day you find out she chose another family, I feel farther away than ever. It's then that I wonder if we're doing the right thing, are we following the path we're supposed to? Are we supposed to be doing something different? Different race, age group, should we be doing foreign adoption? Foster to adoption? Can I handle one more person in crisis choosing another family to love their baby as their own?

What do these "Other Families" have that Jer and I don't? What are we lacking? If we're not right, what is right, who will look at our profile and say, "I like these two, they should adopt my baby."

My boss tells me not to "Do this" to myself when I get excited about being viewed. But I feel like if I don't get excited, I'm letting my baby down. The down side is that I feel sad when we don't get picked. I need to feel this, it's part of me to experience all the emotions of a situation. I don't know how to do it any other way.

And then there are the "Situations" that are so far out of the realm of ok that I wonder, "Are these the people who would choose me; people who wouldn't be able to find another family who wants their baby because of their dangerous lifestyle?"

 

Tonight I pray for Tarra and Morgan, I hope you find perfect families for your babies. May the choices you make, and the families you choose be blessed by God. And as for me and Jer, help us cope with being passed over again.

November

As they say in baseball, the inning ended with no runs, no hits and no errors.

I'm watching you watching me...

I just wanted to take second to say hello to the DSHS person who clicked on my website today. Since there was no referring link posted on my stat counter I have no idea how you found my site, and I hope that nothing I mentioned caused you concern. But I have heard some really awful and heart wrenching stories in the last month, that were a direct result of your Department's actions, and while I understand and feel for the fact that your organization is understaffed, underfunded, underappriciated and you are all overworked and underpaid, I think there are things that could be done to minimize the emotional impact on the families involved.