Re-Inked

This week we got a letter from our case worker at Bethany letting us know that the State of Washington requires us to renew our fingerprints with the FBI on an annual basis. They used to only have you renew your Washington/other state record inquiry, but now you have to get printed annually as well. So this morning we went down to the City of Lynwood Police Department, where we had them done last March. It brought back memories of high stress and anticipation, a vast and unknown expanse of the world of adoption had been ahead of us. Now, 206 days later, we were back to renew them having a little bit different perspective under our belt.

Going down to the jail cracks me up. They do the civilian finger printing in a small conference room off the main lobby, which is about the size of a postage stamp. There are five chairs. So, it can get pretty crowded, last time it was really crowded, but fairly uneventful. Another man was there getting printed for an emergency foster situation, another lady was being printed for a new job at homeland security. This time, there were a bunch of police matters happening at the same time.

There was a Russian/Ukrainian guy in there looking for the truck he'd smashed into a power pole, on Friday afternoon, only he thought he'd hit a dumpster on Friday morning. The officer helping him was one of the first responders at the scene and was patiently telling this guy he was lucky to be alive, he told him where the truck had been towed, and let him know that the truck's entire wheel had been removed from the vehicle when he'd hit the power pole. I'm reasonably certain that guy was either 1. Lying his butt off in order to garner sympathy, or 2. So drunk at the time of the accident that he has no clue what actually occurred, or 3. He was drunk while standing in the room talking to the officer. I could have sat there all day watching these train-wrecks. Does that make me a bad person? I wasn't laughing at them, I was just in awe.

Another woman, a self proclaimed "Single Mother of Three" came in with her three children, and proceeded to ask about the investigation of an accident she was involved in. While her children were trying valiantly; if not unsuccessfully to behave themselves. The oldest girl, age 8, was in charge of the younger girl, 4, and the little boy 2. At one point the little guy got knocked into the counter by the little girl, and the oldest girl knelt down and asked the 4 year old "What is wrong with you?"    I felt bad for her, because that was obviously a parenting technique used in their house often. Awhile later the little boy was looking around the room at people and saying "Hi" to us individually, and we all said "Hi" back. But he looked at Jer for a while and said, "Daddy?". I almost cried and I can honestly tell you I would have taken all three of them home right then if their mother had asked me to.

It wasn't that they were uncared for, you could see that their clothes were clean, their hair was tidy and they were well fed. Even their shoes were new. Mom wasn't dressed to the 9s but she looked ok. It was the sadness. I wanted to fix their sad little lives, where daddy is a nice looking stranger who never comes home and mommy is always angry and sad. I wanted to give them some lifesavers, but I couldn't figure out how to not look like a freak-show stranger. So, I just talked to them a little and smiled at them. That is how you know kids are in an attention drought, when a nice person smiles at them and talks to them, they will stand there and drink it up with big shy smiles on their faces and wonder who you are. "What's your name? Where is your baby? Do you have a dog? What about a kitty? All of these questions I've gotten from children at work and these kids were hoping Chief was in the car. It's stuff like this that gets to me.

Dear Lord,

I pray for the family I met today, thank you for a glimpse of children in need, I hope and pray that these little ones will grow up happily, that their lives will be brightened by someone who cares for them. That their mother will be blessed, may your love and light shine upon them. Keep them safe.

Amen

This Helped Me Let Go of the Little Guy Who Couldn’t be Ours

I can't tell you exactly why this passage helped, perhaps it was Solomon's words, "She Is His Mother", or perhaps it is the willingness of the first woman to sacrifice her own claim so that her child could live that touches me…all I know is that remembering her made it possible for me to write to "Little Guy's" birthmother and tell her how proud I am of her in the situation she is in. I wished her well and committed to pray for her and her son.

There is an application for this verse in the waiting process, and it has very little to do with the role of the Birthmother and the Adoptive mother, it has more to do with the sacrifice of self for child that both mothers must accept. Adoption is not about giving up and gaining. It is about the welfare of a tiny human-being; the welfare and care of a tiny human soul. Adoption is so much more important than what I will receive. The situation that comes up for me, will be the one most glorifying to God. Not the one that will bring me the swiftest relief to my desire for a child. I need to remember that and keep it in mind at all times.

Solomon Wisely Judges

16Then two women who were harlots came to the king and stood before him.

17The one woman said, "Oh, my lord, this woman and I live in the same house; and I gave birth to a child while she was in the house.

18"It happened on the third day after I gave birth, that this woman also gave birth to a child, and we were together. There was no stranger with us in the house, only the two of us in the house.

19"This woman's son died in the night, because she lay on it.

20"So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from beside me while your maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead son in my bosom.

21"When I rose in the morning to nurse my son, behold, he was dead; but when I looked at him carefully in the morning, behold, he was not my son, whom I had borne."

22Then the other woman said, "No! For the living one is my son, and the dead one is your son." But the first woman said, "No! For the dead one is your son, and the living one is my son." Thus they spoke before the king.

23Then the king said, "The one says, 'This is my son who is living, and your son is the dead one'; and the other says, 'No! For your son is the dead one, and my son is the living one.'"

24The king said, "Get me a sword." So they brought a sword before the king.

25The king said, "Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one and half to the other."

26Then the woman whose child was the living one spoke to the king, for she was deeply stirred over her son and said, "Oh, my lord, give her the living child, and by no means kill him." But the other said, "He shall be neither mine nor yours; divide him!"

27Then the king said, "Give the first woman the living child, and by no means kill him. She is his mother."

28When all Israel heard of the judgment which the king had handed down, they feared the king, for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him to administer justice.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for "the first woman". Thank you for her selfless heroic attitude and love for her son. I pray that I can be as selfless and brave for the child you bless me with. Help me to remember this woman in every moment of self-indulgent thoughts. Thank you for a great, healing, conversation with my mother.

May my family bring you glory,

Amen.

Asking for Emotional Support

I am an incredibly independent person. I am not the kind who asks for help unless the situation is dire. Asking for emotional support from people is even more difficult for me. I am much more comfortable BEING the help and providing the emotional support. My husband is good at getting me to talk and being there for me. I love the man for that, because seriously, how many men are like that??

Today a friend/patient came in to have my boss look at something in her mouth. She was worried about a bump on her jaw and had heard a horror story from someone about oral cancer…well, I took a peek and saw that it was just a thing called a "Tori" or a growth of bone that exceeds the average contour of the surrounding tissue. They usually grow due to trauma i.e. clenching of the teeth and are also hereditary. (boss came in and said "Yep it's a tori "and went off to look at someone else.) All that to say this : she's been through the Adoption game, she had an extremely heartbreaking foster to adopt situation fail, and she's been in my shoes. She took one look at me and knew I needed a hug. She asked what had happened and I detailed the situation for her. She didn't try to tell me how much harder "So and so" had it, or even how much harder her own situation had been, she just listened, hugged, cried with me a little and then said that "I must have really come in to see you today!" which made me smile for the first time all day long.

 

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank you for placing people into my life on a daily basis, people that are there to impart your wisdom to me through familiar faces and encouraging smiles. Thank you for N.S. and her family. Thank you for her willingness to talk to me and support me without my having to ask her for it. Help me to be vulnerable and ask people for help and support, even though it makes me uncomfortable. This is not the first time you've put a patient into the schedule that has had something to say that makes me see things in a different light.

I know that this situation didn't work out for a reason, and that reason may never be known to me, but I thank you for keeping me from damage worse than disappointment. You are all knowing and only you can guide this process properly. I have faith in you, and renewed calm.

Help me to talk to my mom about what I need from her during this difficult time. Help me to not lash out with sarcasm when she's only trying to help.

In your powerful name and authority I pray,

Amen

Ok..

So now I get to wonder how long it will be til the next round of birthfamilies come in. I hope it won't be too long.

Not this time...

Sometimes this whole process just sucks.

Breathe.

Sometimes a little information is WORSE than none. Curiosity is officially killing me.

Church This Morning

 

In His time, in His time,
He makes all thing beautiful in His time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

In Your time, in Your time,
You make all thing beautiful in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

 

I thought this was an especially appropriate Hymn/praise chorus for this Sunday and for this Blog in General.

There is a peace from God, and it can't be achieved, it is a gift.

While I am crazy curious about certain things right now, I have this underlying knowlege and peace that everything, no matter what happens will indeed be ok. God's Soverienty is total, and I am on good terms with that.

Status Unknown

I think curiosity could actually be fatal.

Spiritual Warfare

I'm not sure how many of the people who read this blog are Christians, I'm not going to do a poll on that, but I am going to warn the non-Christian readers that this entry may sound a little strange if you don't believe that there is a spiritual battle over our souls that rages on a daily basis and even in our sleep.

I firmly believe that God has a plan for my life and that He has good things in mind.

Tuesday night and Wednesday morning there was a windstorm that woke me up out of a dream. I felt like Dorothy in the Wizzard of Oz and my house was going to be swept away. Then as I lie there tossing and turning, and unable to sleep, a terrible cold feeling gripped my heart and thoughts of darkness filled my brain, "you're never going to be a mother, you're not good enough, if you were meant to have a baby, you would be able to give birth to your own."

(Edit jan 2, 09: the above paragraph and the topic "Leap" below would be an example of getting an email mid blog...to finish my above thought please read on: As the wind raged and the feeling of being singled out by the "Spirit of Discouragement" I began to worry, and then, I got ticked off. I began to pray and repeat several praise songs over and over in my head, and eventually I was able to fall asleep again, though not very deeply. I awoke at the time I should have been leaving for work, and even though I was in a hurry, I prayed "Lord, I'm struggling, I know you have a plan, but I'm feeling weak, I need a little encouragement! Later on I recieved a different email that was indeed encouraging, and more than the hug from a friend that I had been expecting. And our generator arrived that afternoon, so we're covered now, and won't be cold when/if the power does go out this year or anyother!)

Right now, as I sit here typing this, a young woman is in labor. She wants to give this baby to a loving home, but the birthfather won't consent. Pray for her, as I do now: Help her with being a mom if it's your will. Help me to be ok with that if it is your will.

Heavenly father, fill this young woman with confidence. Give her strength. Help her through the difficulty of labor, bless her with courage. Let your work be mighty in her, and let your protective hand cover this child. Keep the baby safe, and let him/her be born strong and ready to love.

Jesus, Change this young man's heart. Show him the meaning of Family, of love, and of sacrifice. Lift his spirit; help him to do what you've deemed the right thing.

Please protect my heart and Jer's. We stand at the edge of a cliff, will there be a balloon of hope to jump into? Or is this going to be a wild ride down disappointment hill? Is this where the rollercoaster gets slower? Or is it the deep breath before the plunge? Or is it the entrance to a whole new ride?

Thank you for your promises,

Kelley