When Did This Happen??

My entire outlook on motherhood has changed. I know that you all know how much I want to be a mother, but not so long ago my mom asked me if it was ok if she prayed for a miracle pregnancy; and while I would be happy if the situation arose, my answer was "NO." and I meant it. It was a moment of clarity that perhaps I didn't key in on until yesterday.

I was watching one of those shows about pregnancy and birth, you know on TLC or Lifetime or Discovery…anyway, I watched and was happy when the babies were born and I thought they were cute and all, but then I watched the show called Adoption Story on Discovery and I was bawling through the whole thing. I could identify with the waiting mother, I had compassion for the birthmothers, and then that moment of handing over the baby came and I was an absolute mess. My dreams have indeed changed. It used to be the pregnancy shows that brought me to my knees with tears and prayer, and now…my only dream is my little baby out there somewhere either just beginning life, or floating around in the womb of a mother undecided. Adoption has become more than just my choice over infertility treatments; it has become my hope and my dream.

Bri wrote about the "Hard Part" of adoption and while I sat on my couch reading her thoughts, and agreeing with her on a point by point level, it further cemented this reality of adoption in my heart. Bri says, "When I think about the woman whose pain will begin when mine "ends," I get sick to my stomach. When I think about the possibility that my child will have a deep, eternal wound from be about the possibility that my child will have a deep, eternal wound from being placed for adoption, a wound that I cannot heal, it makes me sick to my stomach." It resonated with me. It even haunted me. I thought about it and worked it over in my mind examining the thought from every angle, and trying to reason through it. The truth is, it is not logical; there is no reasoning it out. There is no way to make myself able to stomach it any more than Bri could when she wrote it down. All we can do is live it when it comes and have faith that the life of everyone involved will be enriched through the pain of making this decision, this relationship, succeed.

Hopefully it will not be the end of our child's relationship with his/her birth family. Hopefully, it will be the beginning of a new kind of extended family, one that has open arms for everyone to be related. Hopefully pride and jealousy can be supplanted by generosity and love. I like that as bleak as the loss looks, there is the possibility, the glimmer of hope.

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for your miracle of adoption, this miracle you've made that has so many sides and facets. Thank you for all of the people involved their hearts committed to the benefit of your child. Thank you for dreams you've changed and remade for your glory. I pray that with your help, we will be able to walk this road in a manner that will be pleasing to you, no matter the pain that comes with it. Help me to bear the trials that will come with being an adoptive mother and family. I commit to seeking your perfect guidance every day of my life.

Thank you for your provision,

Amen

Dear Lord, Get these people figured out!

Heavenly Father,
I sit here in awe of the restraint I see in my friend, at least her restraint on her blog. Jesus, we know that you are in control of all things, and that you have your hand on the situation with the "Rebekah's". Please Lord, get these adoption people straightened out. This agency, needs to remember their mission statement. They need to put their heads on and start doing their job professionally. They are taking care of your family, your baby, your children. Please Lord, get this worked out for them so they can peacefully go through the process of adoption without delays. Help Rebekah and Ben with the financial needs, I pray that S. Hope will grant them richly. Let this wonderful work of your will be done and those involved in the "Administration" of your will be sensitive to their position as your agents.
We call upon the power and might of Elohim, you are strength, you are power, and let no work of man stand in the path of the family put together in your name.
I praise you and worship you for you are my God, my Father and my Creator,
In Jesus name I pray for the perfect work of your will in my life, and in the life of my friend.
Amen

It's a GIRL FOR BRI and her Husband!

Today I learned that another blog friend has become a mother overnight!

Thank you Lord for making them a family of three!!!
Thank you for this miracle of adoption, and further evidence that it does really happen! May their lives be truely blessed!
Your provision is sufficient, your grace is suffiicent, Lord, I pray that all of us who wait will be provided for as wonderfully as Annie and Bri have been. Give us the grace to wait and the fortitude to endure.

We praise you for the things you've done and the things you've yet to do!
Amen

I Love Food: Mediterranean Lentil Soup

I don't usually post my cooking attempts on this blog, mostly because it's just not about adoption, but, I thought that this particular post was interesting because of the reason behind my dabbling with soup. I have a newly found but very strong contempt for canned soup, boxed soup (unless it's preservative free or organic) and any kind of commercial soup like Safeway or QFC soups in those deli containers. At restaurants I don't really care, because I don't see where it comes from and I LOVE SOUP! Why do I despise good old Campbell's and Progresso? WHY? The soup tastes like the can and I usually have to do something to it to make it taste the way I want it to. I do still love Campbell's tomato soup. I always will love it. But aside from the tinny taste, the preservatives are enough to make me shiver. Not to mention the sodium levels! I can't say that I don't put salt in my soup when I make it, because I do, but…I also see everything else that goes into the pot. There is no MSG, no titanium dioxide and only the "Good fats" that I purposely select for their values. I was shocked to see MSG on the can of a Progresso soup that I used to love, but always wondered why it gave me headaches. DUH. I really try not to over-read labels. Not because I don't care, but because sometimes there is really no time to make things from scratch. This is only one of the reasons I LOVE Trader Joe's markets. All of their stuff is usually on the short list of preservatives and usually preservative free or organic.

I'm not exactly the most "Natural" girl in the world; I'm not one to really be on the side of things that I consider to be high on marketing and low on science. I'm not a 100% recycler, I don't compost my food waste, and sadly, I often leave lights on and the water running when I brush my teeth. (LE GASP! HORROR!) But, in the case of soup, I stand determined, that once I am at home with my kiddo, there will be no canned soups in my pantry. My freezer will be full of homemade soups that I will make while said kiddo is napping, or while daddy is home!

I'm also going to "TRY" to make my baby's food. I have a cookbook, I have ice cube trays and we're getting a second fridge to accommodate my desire to make my own soup and bb food. If Kate Gosselin can do it, I know I can! With planning and my very cooperative husband, I think I can figure out a system to cook and freeze as I go. Double batches here and there will make it work! I don't quilt, I don't have a ton of time consuming hobbies like Scrapbooking or stamping or anything crafty for that matter. I spend my creative time writing and cooking! So, even if I'm throwing myself under the bus; I'm going out on a limb and saying that I hope to never use canned soup or jarred baby food in my house. *gets down from soap box* And soup is really easy to make, if you can chop, and boil water, you can make soup.

I modified this recipe from this one I found on the web. I haven't explored this site very much, so I'm not sure exactly how reputable they are, I usually snoop around and compare recipe's that I know with the ones they have posted, but in this case, I just looked at a couple of different sites' recipe's and decided this one was easy enough to put my own spin on. I've been visiting a Mediterranean place for lunch with the girls from work and the Lentil Soup is fabulous, this one sounded like a similar flavor, so I dove in!

• 1-2 Tablespoons olive oil
  
  


• 1 large onion, chopped into a medium dice
  


• 1/2 red pepper, chopped into a small dice
  


• 2 and 1/2 cups green/brown lentils
  
  


• 6 cups water (I used 4 cups chicken broth plus 2 cups water.)
  


• 1/8 teaspoon allspice (I used twice as much all spice, because I love the flavor)
  


• 1/2 teaspoon cumin
  
  


• 1/2 teaspooon cinnamon
  
  


• 1 and 1/2 teaspoons salt, or to taste
  


• 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  
  


• 6 cloves garlic, pressed and mixed with 1 Tablespoon olive oil
  


• 1/2 cup cilantro, chopped
  


• 
  
  1/4 cup lemon juice
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  Heat the oil in a large Dutch oven, then stir in the onion and sauté until it begins to brown. Stir in the red pepper and sauté two more minutes. Stir in the lentils, coating with the oil, then pour in the water. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to low, cover, and cook for 40 minutes. Stir in the allspice, cumin, cinnamon, salt, and black pepper, re-cover, and cook for 20 more minutes.
  

  
  

  In the meantime, prepare the garlic blend. If you don't want to press the garlic, you can always puree it with the oil and water in a blender. When you are ready to serve, and after at least 20 minutes have passed, stir in the chopped cilantro. Turn off the heat, stir in the garlic blend, and cover, letting the flavors steep for a minute or two. Stir in the lemon juice, check the seasoning, and get ready to serve. Top with grated mizithra cheese.
  

For Bri and her husband.

Dear Lord, I come to you with a prayer of friendship for a woman I don't know personally, but know from being in like circumstances. I pray that you will bless Bri with the serene and modulated excitement that only you can give to a woman who wants to be a mother more than anything in the world. I pray you will put your special blessing on this situation and that she will indeed be a mother before the week is out. Your will is whatwe search, we can only hope that our desires match your plan. Protect their hearts in this time of unknowns and what if's. We know you are in control and we thank you for your provision!

In Jesus name,
AMEN!!

My Family...

This Photo was taken when my mom was 28, my dad was 30, my brother J. was 4 and I was 6. I am the oldest of three children and the only daughter to L&L. I was always a "Daddy's girl" and my brother J. was sort of attached to my mom.

I'm 10 in this picture, J. is 7 1/2 and B. is 1 1/2. B. was like my "first kid", I took good care of him, and so did my mom! Poor guy, he had two mommies! I think this was Easter Sunday, I know that was my favorite dress for a long time, it had Violets on it.

I think I'm five in this picture, we went to Joshua Tree National Forrest, see the Joshua Tree on the right? This is one of my favorite pictures.

My "Tweety Pie" cake! I remember it. See that chunk outta the back? Yep, I had a thing for icing! I think my mom is knuckling so I won't dive into the cake! I'm pretty sure this was at her parent's house. My auntie B. may have made the cake...or it was from Scandia bakery, my mom and I used to walk there some times to get a cookie!


I think I will always be my parent's baby girl. I can still see "That Look" in my dad's eye when he sees me after we've been away for awhile. (OK even a day) and my mom still calls me "her baby" even when I'm not acting very love able. When I was 17 I hated it, but now...I kinda like it! They are so excited to be grandparents! My mom is making two quilts right now, one girl quilt and one boy quilt. I told her not to make a neutral one, we want gender specific stuff, we just don't know yet! Our nursery is green and we love the "Tiddlywinks Froggie" collection, but that's because Jeremiah was a Bullfrog! :D N0t because it's neutral! We plan to add Ladybugs if we have a girl, and puppies or baseball if we have a boy! (I don't like to say when we "get" a baby, though it seems everyone else I know asks "When are you going to get your baby?" I don't know why it matters, but it does. We're having a baby via adoption, not getting a baby; see the difference?) So, my parents L&L are totally excited to be grandparents. They've been waiting a long time!

My brothers and I get along as long as we don't let our stubborn streaks (yes, all three of us have one) get in the way. I know they're really excited to be uncles! J. wants to take baby fishing and camping, and B. wants to give baby drawing lessons. J. is going to be a Teacher one of these days, he's going to grad school for his Masters in Education soon. And B. is an exceptional artist, he wants to be a Graphic Designer, he already is, he just doesn't get paid to do it yet! Both of my brothers have awesome musical taste, we all like the same stuff, but we all have different little niche music we like. Mine is Folk, J.'s is Rock/Alt and B.'s is more Alt. The three of us can make each other laugh til we cry, or want to pull our hair out, but it's all love in our family

Chief, my "Little Lab"

He really is small for his breed!

Chief is a pure bred black Labrador Retriever. His official name is "Fyrecrest's Commander in Chief." I wanted to name him "Jed" after Jed Bartlett on The West Wing, which would have made my pets "Jed and Abbey" and I could have called them "The Bartletts"(the president and first lady on the West Wing). Which is totally funny in my mind, but no one else thinks it's funny.

Our First Family Photo!

We'd had him for a month, and it SNOWED!

He was so cute burrowing his nose around under the snow!

After he swims in the Slough at the Dog Park, he gets a bath! Up until last summer he wasn't real keen on the swimming thing!

Walking Mom!

He loves to cuddle!

Meeting With Becky

I had about a 45 minute conversation with our Adoption Specialist today, I found the new office with out much difficulty, and it does seem to be better suited for the way they work. Becky's new office has a big window and is very cheerful!

I just have to say, I love this woman. I am so blessed to have her in my life and in my corner. As we spoke, she asked how the wating was going, and I explained my on again off again frustration with the whole thing. It turns out, I am about as close to average as anyone else out there. Everyone gets frustrated no matter how long they wait. She did express that she was surprised that we hadn't matched yet, but that it's never easy to guess how long it will be at the beginning. It is nice to know that she thinks were great enough to be chosen. I felt a lot better after talking with her. I did ask her to check in with me a little more often, just so I don't feel "forgotten" she seemed to think that was a reasonable request. :D

She was really happy with the gift bags I brought with me, and she was sure that Sarah, the pregnancy counsellor would really like them. And she gave me the green light to take donations at my church in their name for additional bags! So, now I have to start getting my list together for the bulliten and get it to the Church Secretary soon!

So, after my very full week last week, it was nice to decompress about my adoption worries with her, and to know that I'm normal, is great!

Dear Lord,
Thank you for Becky and the staff of Bethany Christian Services. They are truely a blessing to me, even when we have to fill out a new form unexpectedly! The work that they do with women in crisis is just amazing. And to be part of their organization is just as exciting to me as what they will eventually do for us.

I pray earnestly for the mother and family of my child, please keep them safe, let them be supportive of her decision, and please help Jer and me to be calm in this frustrating time. I know you are in control, we trust you with this important part of our lives, and we know that you have our best interests at heart.

Amen

Annie and Art Have a Baby Girl!!

Congratulations Annie and Art!

Annie and Art were placed with baby A.

6 lbs., 12 3/4 oz.
20 inches
Born at 3:45 pm, 3/22/09

Lord, thank you for making them a family of three! Bless this family with all the best that there is. Thank you for showing me again, that this wonderful miracle of adoption really does happen.

Amen!!!

Dropping off the "Hospital Comfort Packs" on Monday

I have a short meeting with my Adoption Specialist on Monday, I'm taking in the bags I made for the birthmothers, and I have the OK from my pastor to ask for donations from the congregation, either a few dollars or actual items, I'm going to make a list of donateable items and have it printed in the bulletin.

I think I'm going to ask her to pray with me too, we haven't really had the opportunity to do that since we had our homestudy, and it was really helpful.

I've been busy entertaining a pal from high school this week, and it's been nice to do something different than the usual stuff, I really didn't think about the waiting this week, it felt good to sort of leave it in the background. I'm going to try to keep it there while I do my usual stuff this week, and just try to focus on eating well, going to the gym and making my hubby happy(u know...in the bedroom) :D.

Blessings to all of you in blogland!

Dear Lord,
Thank you for Shanna, who reminds me of the person I used to be, how far I've grown from my old self, and yet how the same I am. Thank you for a husband who will patiently put up with giggly girls and not complain when his (the only) bathroom is full of girl stuff. Thank you for this week of not focusing so hard on what I am without, and being grateful for the friends and the life that I have. Help me to focus on the moment I am in, and to look forward without stress to the comming of my child.

I pray for Bri, I am so thankful for the courage she and her husband had to confront an uncomfortable situation. You and you alone know the woman who will give them a child, and when the "right" situation is upon them, they will feel that it is from you. Help all of us, the waiting bloggers, to faithfully seek your will.

Thank you for finding Annie and Art a child, I pray that you will be their comfort, their rock and their protection when they finds themselves in uncharted waters,as they make a temporary home to start their family, give them comfort and peace that all will be well. And please minister to this brave woman who is doing such a brave thing for her child.

And Lord, as we wade through these economic floodwaters, be with Rebekah and Ben as they deal with financial fear. Lord you are stronger and more mighty than the dollar, you are greater than money. You can bridge these overflowing banks and help them across.

And if you could place the hand of comfort on Milo and Jamie and her husband, help them get through this colic. I know they are happy to be earning their "Successfully Battled Collic" badge, but it can be exausting work. Comfort them, bless the sleep they do get with a special rest that will get them through their days.

May your grace shine upon us, and our time of waiting be productive in your sight.
Amen

Question for all the waiting/adoptive parents...

How did your husbands wait? Did they talk/think about the baby everyday or were they more quiet about it? Did they have any struggles while they waited/or are waiting...how did/do they think about their future child?

My sweetie is a little discouraged right now and I wondered if your husbands had any insight?

I know I process all of my adoption angst here, with you...he tells me, but I wondered if the "blog friends husbands" had any tricks or tips...aside from the obvious prayer...;)

For Amber DuBois and her Family.

I Remember.
I Pray.

Please Repost.

Absidy Ann

I am an second cousin once removed auntie!

Endurance

I'm not sure why, but it occured to me that even though I am dissappointed sometimes by the length of our wait, that I am living James 1:2-4
2Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
3knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.
4And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (Thoroughly prepared if you will)

James wasn't speaking to us directly, he was speaking to a specific people through a letter, but, we can still learn from his words, and I'd encourage anyone to read James and enjoy the very poetic themes he uses. And take comfort in the advice he gives to the Jewish Christians scattered across the Roman world.

And regardless of the desolation of the landscape, God has a plan for this time in our lives, and to use an Old Testament reference: the road to the Land of Milk and Honey was through quite the wild wilderness. Take heart, have hope and dust off your Bible and read James!

Thank you Lord, for your excellent works. For James, your brother, who wrote so beautifully. Thank you for the endurance you're creating in me and my frinds who are waitng. We may not know what it is for, tantrums or teething or teenagers, but we accept and thank you for this time, help us to be comforted, authentic, and alive in everymoment. To be thankful and pray for the matches and placements that take place ahead of us. Help me to feel excited about each day I wake up, for each day I go to my job, and for each difficult patient I encounter. Help me to see it as one step closer, one experience closer and to live one moment at a time.

Abbey, our first pet/child

Jeremiah was traumatized by a friend's home where several cats and dogs lived without much vaccuming and his allergies were never the same. He didn't think pets in the house were a good idea; I disagreed. So, when we finally purchased our Condo when we first moved here, he said I could have a cat. I was away for a few days and when I got back he told me about a kitten we were offered for free.

We went to go see her, and sure enough, she was a beautiful little kitten, and we couldn't wait to bring her home. We had to wait a week or so, and one Friday I went to visit her (but I took the carrier just in case) and drove to see her. And we were allowed to take her home! YAY!

Abbey's litter was a ferral litter, the mamma cat had given birth in a hole under someone's front porch and their neighbor had rescued them and kept them in her garage. So Abbey is a rescue cat, but not from a shelter.

Abbey and I have an interresting relationship, she LOVES Jer, and prefers to sit and cuddle with him. (and he now loves her and can't imagine life without her!) BUT, I am her playmate. She chases me down the hall, jumps out from under tables and chairs to "get" me, and we like to play the corner game. She always sleeps near me though, because Jer moves around too much. Every now and then I'll get a head bump on my leg, and she'll sit with me when she's cold and I have a blanket on my lap, but all in all, she's a Daddy Cat. Which is ok, but I always tell her that I was the one who wanted her! Funny girl.

Eight Months

Wow, I can't believe how quickly, but how slowly time has gone by. This is our eighth month of waiting and the last month and a half have been the quietest of our entire "Waiting Career." We've not had any questions about situations we'd be ok with viewing our profile, which doesn't mean we haven't been viewed, it just means we haven't 1) had anyone who doesn't "fit" into our specific search criterion perfectly ask to see our profile or 2) no one has "Checked our Book out" for serious consideration. We don't know every time we're viewed, we only know when we are on the "Short list" and sometimes we don't even know that...
But, God is good and we are trying to be patient.

I just can't believe that in four months Jer and I will be celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary. Talk about time that flies! In some ways it does feel like 10 years, in others it doesn't. There are some years that dragged, and some that I barely remember. Our third year was a tough one. We moved to Seattle then, and I was very unhappy to be leaving Portland, but now, I can't imagine living anywhere else! I'm sure I could be persuaded to move to someplace warmer, but we've made a wonderful group of friends here and a nice little life for ourselves.

Dear Lord, thank you so much for eight months of availability, months where we've prayed harder and for more "unknown" people than we ever have. For showing us how you care for us, and how you care for your children. And most of all, for eight months of hope.

Why is it More Difficult to Describe Myself?

It's a dreaded question at job interviews:"Tell me about yourself." It's more like a command than a question, and in that situation, it seems there are a multitude of traps to talk yourself into and then try to dig out of. Why should talking about ourselves be so hard? Perhaps it's because deep down, we don't really want people to know the real us for fear that we are unacceptable or ugly. I guess you could say I'm a contradiction, I'm an extroverted introvert and I'm very insecure about that. But really there is a more friendly answer to that question!

I was born in Los Angeles County, to a young couple who've managed to stay married for 30 years, they'd only been married a year and a half when I came around. I was their first child, and I would be their only daughter. I have two younger brothers, one is two and a half years younger than I am and the other is eight and a half years younger than me. So, yes, I was a bossy big sister! I had an imagination that wouldn't quit, I still do I just don't pretend I have a pet snake named Seymour(an old necklace of my grandmother's) or that I'm Mary Lou and the front yard is my tumbling mat. Or that I'm Wonder Woman. (I loved underrooves).

I love Baseball, I have since I was little, I liked the Dodgers and the Angels equally; I still do! We moved to Southern Oregon when I was 13 and we were shocked at how good minor league baseball… wasn't. In high school I was the stat keeper for the Baseball team due to bad knees and even worse running ability! But I had fun!

I've always loved animals, I had several cats and two dogs at different times growing up, and now I have a cat and a dog and love them both to pieces! I had a bird too, and then another one that my husband just hated! Birdie was a noisy bird!

When I was three I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior, and have continued to build on that relationship through the years. Sometimes there is rapid growth and sometimes it's microns, but it's always been steadily forward. I've never been one to wander far from home.

I love to listen to music in the car and when I work out, but I'd rather not listen to anything when I'm at home. That may change when I'm home more, but right now I have a noisy job, so the quiet of home is welcome!

I was one of those kids who "Would be good at anything they choose" so no one pressured me to choose anything; and I was scared to tell people what I really wanted to be, because then they would want to read it. I wanted to be a Journalist/Novelist. But I never wanted my parents to read anything I wrote. They may have pushed me if I'd shown them, but what can you do? So, I took a year off and taught pre-school, three year olds. I went to college the next year looking to teach Health/PE. But I met my husband and decided I wanted to do something vocational. I thought Dental Hygiene would be cool, but then decided Assisting was more fun. I've been a Dental Assistant for 8 years and while I still like my job, I'm ready to be a stay at home mom. It was always my ultimate goal!

I was always the " Steady" friend. My parents were together, I was pretty grounded, but I was also a dreamer and completely absorbed in my own world of fantasy. Sometimes that fantasy leaked out into my real life and got me into trouble. But on the whole, I was the friend that people came to when they had troubles at home. I was the "mom" and I helped everyone. And I didn't really know how to ask for help when I needed it myself. If I got hurt I would just go off on my own and deal with it in my head. Thank God Jer knows how to crack the egg and help me talk about things!

Now, I'm fun, I love to cook and entertain people in my home. I love to walk my dog and go to Yoga. I don't love to go to the gym, but I do! All of this seems sort of shallow, but I don't define myself by the things I like, I define myself by my relationships with others. I care about people, and I try to love people even if it seems like they are not very loveable. Sometimes I FAIL at that completely. Sometimes I succeed. As I write about other people in my family, perhaps more of the "real" me will be evident. But this is at least the 411 on Kelley. J

He’s More Than My Husband; He’s My Best Friend

The title of my Blog is "From You and Me, to Family"; so who is this person "You". He's a very specific you, not the "You all" You. I met him 12 years ago, he's tall blond, blue eyed, quiet, friendly and completely gorgeous. He is my husband, Jeremiah.

We met at a party at the home of a mutual friend in October of 1997. I was a newbie student employee in the Admissions and Registration Building, and I was just getting to know all of the other student employees when I met a young woman Z. Z kept telling me about how she'd been dumped the previous spring and really hated her ex boyfriend Jeremiah. He broke up with her in the car on the way home from Jr. Year. They had been high school sweethearts and apparently he'd gone to our college because she had decided to go there.

The Friday before Fall Quarter was to start our friend Kathy who also worked in the A/R office, was having a dinner party and she invited me. I was excited to go, but I didn't live on campus at the time, so I had no time to go home and change…and I'd just had Aerobics class and no time to shower, so my hair felt greasy, my face was devoid of makeup and I was probably a tad stinky, my clean shirt could only cover up so much!! But, I went anyway, because I couldn't say no to my first invitation! And JV, another young man who worked in the A/R would be there and I had a minor crush on him, so I thought it would be fun!

Some of us were playing poker in the living room, and I noticed a truck pull up outside and a couple of guys come up the walk, I "knew" one of them was Jer. And I assumed it was the less good looking, slightly grumpy looking guy. I don't know why, probably because Z had gone on about what a jerk her ex was. I had a dark image in my mind, well I saw the cuter of the two, (both were handsome it was a really close to say who was more handsome) and thought "Wow, he's cute". Then he walked through the door and I kid you not, I was the person he said hello to first, and when I said hi and our eyes locked, I was reasonably certain that I'd never again be without a "Special Someone". (I had taken Z's stories with a grain of salt, she wasn't a friend, merely someone I'd just met, and when I saw him and the kind eyes, there was just no way that he could have been as awful as she'd said) The evening went on and he left early so that he'd be able to get up for Church in the morning. He went to a Seventh Day Adventist church at the time. I immediately admired the fact that he was committed to his faith enough to go to church out of town at college and to leave a party early in order to go.

When he got home, he called the party and asked for my phone number…I had to give it to him, with every one watching…they teased me relentlessly for the rest of the night! Then he neglected to use the phone number all weekend! I was beginning to wonder if maybe Z wasn't so off target after all!

Monday came around and I dressed up for school, wearing a skirt and sweater and tried to look the opposite of the hideous I looked that Friday! I went to all of my morning classes and didn't see him anywhere! I had a 2 hour break before my next class (I MISS COLLEGE!) so I went to the SU for a new fangled espresso drink, (I still like iced vanilla lattes!) I stood in line and waited my turn, and I heard someone say "Kelley?" I turned to look and didn't see anyone actually looking in my direction, but there was Jeremiah standing in line behind me. I said, "Oh, Hi! I was wondering if I'd see you today."

He asked me to sit with him and we proceeded to have an hour and a half long conversation. He walked me to my class and I sat down next to a friend from high school and he said, "OK, who is he?"

I grinned and said, "My future husband." My friend looked at me and said, "She who's never had a boyfriend longer than two weeks?" I nodded. I was right!

To this day, Jer insists that he never said my name to get my attention that day, nor did he hear anyone else say it. I can only guess that it was the Holy Spirit whispering in my ear, and he insists that I was gorgeous that day that I think I looked disgusting.

He is the best man I've ever known, the only men that are equivalent are my Dad, and my Grandpas followed quickly by my uncles and brothers.

We met in October and were engaged in March. We were in love, but we grew into best friends. I can't imagine going through the disappointments of trying to conceive and getting a diagnosis of infertility with anyone else. Whenever I thought we might be pregnant, he would get this sweet glowing lovey look and he'd get all cuddly and smoochy. I loved it, and I can only imagine how wonderful he will be with our children. The hardest thing about the failure in January was seeing how disappointed he was. I don't like how hard this is on him. But he is good at holding me up when I feel like I can't go on, and I have discovered that I can be his leaning post when he's having a hard time too. I can prop him up; I'm too short to have good leverage to hold him up! I'd rather hang out with him than do anything else.

Thank you Father, for giving me this fantastic husband to share my life with. You've given me a man who supports me in all ways, helps me with all things and holds me up when I can't stand. I know it is you that put us together, that our relationship is special and unique. We wait for you to make parents out of us, and we thank you for trusting us with a child that needs our special family personality. That you've designated us to be parents of a child that needs us and our particular gifts, a child who needs to know that we love him/her unconditionally including the condition of biology. You and you alone will be responsible for the blessing you give us and we thank you with our whole hearts for trusting us with your special child/children. Thank you for finding me such a wonderful man!

Amen!

Putting the “whine” away

I am continually blessed by the women who read this blog. You are truly an amazing comfort, and consistently give me pearls of wisdom in your comments that make me think of things beyond myself. You help me put my whine away J. And for that I am very grateful. (Speaking of grateful, I was able to tell a patient who'd given me a bit of wisdom of his own how much his comments had helped and continue to help me. He was his usual gracious self. Seriously, some people you just have to love!)

The last few blog posts have been missing a prayer, which is the other thing about this blog that I find extremely helpful to me; so without further delay, here it goes:

 

Dear Jesus,

Sometimes I don't know where to begin! My thoughts are swirling with requests and thanks and praises and complaints. So, perhaps I should start with Praises and get to the complaints later, or forget about them all together eh?

You are amazingly patient, all knowing, and all powerful. I am honored to be your servant and hope to do it better and better as time goes by.

Forgive me for being silent, and not taking advantage of your ear. I know that you want to hear from me and that you care about how I'm feeling. Forgive me for being angry with my mom, I know she only meant to comfort me when I was feeling envious, do I covet B's baby?! Do I? I didn't think I did, but maybe I do?! In my own human estimation, she shouldn't be pregnant, she's not married, she's young and in my eyes, undeserving. Wow, how judgmental can I be? How can I think that this young woman doesn't deserve to be a mother just because I am not? Forgive me for my envy and for wanting what other people, even what a family member has. That is wrong and even though I didn't realize I was doing it…I realize it now and I want to let go of that. I want the best for A&B and their baby, help me to not be jealous of the fact that they get to be parents ahead of us. I've had a really cruddy attitude ever since we didn't get to bring home "the little guy" or even meet with his mother. I thought I was ok with it, and perhaps in my rational brain I am, but my heart is still broken over him. I loved the thought of him, and I loved the idea of knowing his mom and loving her right along with him. Please help me to put my heart back together, I don't want to be bitter, I want to be loving and tender.

Thank you for showing me where my vulnerabilities lie, and for forgiving me of my sin. Thank you for the women who read my blog and help me to see the other side of the story, and for caring about me. You've given me a wonderful gift in their friendship.

I pray now lord for Amber DuBois and her family, I pray you will lead her home, or accept her home in your arms. I pray that her family will be comforted in this difficult time and if she should be in your arms lord, I pray that you will hold her family together, I pray for her cousin Keek, my friend, with whom I've shared a million good times, help me be there for her in this dark and scary time for her family. I do pray with all my heart that she will be found healthy and soon. She is your child, please protect her.

Father, Annie and Rebekah are waiting on adoption plans to be fulfilled. I pray that each plan will be guided by your hand and that these women will keep their commitments to these families. I know that you alone hold the answers to their prayers and to mine, I pray you will arrange these adoptions according to your glory and to the fulfillment of your word. I pray their husbands will be wonderful fathers and that the couples will be able to support one another through this incredible and miraculous process.

I thank you for Kathleen and Melba, two women who show me wisdom on a regular basis. I pray that you will bless their lives. May Melba and I be mothers together in your time, help us to wait patiently.

Thank you for my own wonderful family, who only want me to be happy. Thank you for my wonderful husband and his strength to put up with me. Thank you for my sweet dog chief and my sassy little cat. They are my furry children and I love them.

Thank you for saving me from myself,

amen

It’s Just Extra Hard Sometimes

Let's face it. Waiting for a match/placement/adoption to happen is always hard, every day there's this question in your mind "Am I going to get news today?" The day to day waiting just plain stinks. But you get used to the background of general stinkiness.

Then there are days that are just painful.

My husband's cousin's girlfriend is 4 days overdue and I am excited about their baby, but when I was at a family gathering, my husband's step mom brought a gift for the baby. I pretended to be busy cooking, but for some reason, that hurt. I was talking to the pregnant girl and not uncomfortable at all, and I was feeling her stomach get all rock hard when she had a Braxton Hicks contraction, and then her baby totally rolled over, like her back was facing the left side and she rolled completely over and her back was facing the right side. It was AMAZING. But it triggered the "I'm never going to feel that" emotion. I covered ok, but I did end up going home early with a headache. It's hard to force a smile for a long time.

I was upset, but then my mom came in and was laying on the bed next to me and telling me that I'm brave and yadda yadda. And then she totally twists the knife in my heart. "I'm praying that you'll have a miracle and get pregnant. Is that ok?" NO. It really isn't ok. I thought she was behind this all the way, only to find out that she's praying for pregnancy. "Of course we don't mind if you adopt and we'll love the baby…etc…" It was reminiscent of the feeling I got when Jer's grandmother told him on the night before our wedding that he could still back out; After we'd spent 10,000 dollars on a wedding; Or when my Aunt said that she didn't see anything special about Jeremiah. It was betrayal. And now my mom says this?! Seriously, when are our families going to get behind us 100%? Sure they give to the baby fund, but in their minds, that money could pay for a "Real" baby too. I expect this kind of stuff from strangers, but not from my family.

I did tell her that it wasn't ok and that really wasn't what I wanted right now. (obviously I'd be excited to be pregnant and would still go through with the adoption process as well, because this is something we really believe in, but COME ON!) But she didn't apologize, nor did she say she'd stop praying that way. I can't pretend that this doesn't put a dent in things for me. Before I knew she was secretly holding out for a biological child, I thought she understood the importance of Adoption being our Choice, not a "Second choice". We could have chosen to go through more aggressive fertility treatment, but we chose ADOPTION. So GET WITH THE PROGRAM. Now I'm ticked and hurt and NOW I wonder if she will ever love my baby as much as much as she'll love my brother's future children? I just don't think so.