Encouraging email comes from unexpected places...

A few weeks ago my uncle emailed me sort of out of the blue, we see eachother when we go to Oregon, but he's sort of shy and he's been single forever, so sometimes I think I might be a bit of a mystery to him. We share a love for fishing, which he was the insipiration for, he took me when I was young and taught me how to bait a hook, tie a clinch knot and etc. I'm not sure who was more proud of me when I caught the only fish that was caught at our family reunion (when I was 10) my uncle or my dad; we could call it a tie.

All of my uncles have always been my biggest fans, seriously, I was their only niece. But I was interrested in the things they liked. K. liked to fish and golf and liked rock music and other sports. I can't stand Golf, but mostly because I feel backward when I try to do it. The others all liked various things and I would go sit around and watch them do what ever they were doing, usually quietly, though sometimes talking non-stop in a way that I still do.

So, I have a good relationship with these men, but my status of infertility isn't exactly the number one topic on our conversation repitoire. So to have him ask me a few weeks ago about my position on abortion, I was sort of surprised, but answered that I am against abortion for terminating life that does not threaten the life of the woman carrying the child. I have a more detailed oppinion but, really, that is my stance. And he answered my email with this:

Yes , I agree with you on abortion, it's just so sad that
people have kids, and don't care for [them] , and people like you who have always loved kids, (even when you were little you loved babies) can't have them . It brings a tear to
my eye right now, I'm praying for you. I hope you get a baby soon. I know
you'll be a great Mom. Love K.

I was touched. And encouraged. Thanks Uncle K!

What we did this weekend...

My mom and dad both helped, Mom lettered in pencil...

My dad leveled everything out...he's so handy! He put up my new mantle too!

I painted in most of the letters.

What do we think? Besides the fact that we need 1. more artwork in the room, and 2. a baby to go in the crib.

(and the cat finally has discovered that the crib is comfy! And "Get out of my room if you don't mind!"MEOW!)

Busy weekend!

My parents were here this weekend, in fact they just left for home an hour ago! Mom and I worked on getting a bit of decorating done in the nursery, and I have to admit, it was really nice to be able to do that with her. Even though there is no little one in sight, it was comforting to be doing something like this with my mom. I feel like I miss out on so much of the natural "mother hen" advice and preparation and family bonding moments that are unconscious when a woman is pregnant.

Have you ever notice how supportive people are to a pregnant woman? Everyone looks out for the pregnant woman and encourages them. Even the dreaded belly pat is symbolic of the regard and care we have as humans...even as mammals for the pregnant female. (I was watching one of those survivor shows, and dolphins protected a pregnant woman from a shark and helped her stay a float. Gorillas and Chimpanzees touch pregnant group member's belly and nurture them.) A friend of mine is on bed-rest due to some concerns for her pregnancy and when I found out, I offered to come and entertain her, as did many others. I am happy to be supportive of pregnant women, I think they are the most beautiful creatures in the world. But I can't help feeling a little left out.

Let's look at it this way, I've been paper pregnant for....over 10 months. By now if I were actually pregnant, and 42 weeks into gestation, people would be pouring out the sympathy and eagerly talking to my belly and the baby saying: "come on kid! We want to meet you!" And the Doctors would be talking induction. And all the weeks prior to this, there would be visits to the doctor where my kind OB/GYN would make sure things were going ok, and that the baby and myself were healthy. There would have been at least one baby shower, and my mom would be here waiting with us to deliver, cleaning my house and my dad would be cleaning my garage and mowing my lawn. (OH WAIT! He did do that! I love my dad. He has to have a project, and hanging a new mantle wasn't enough, he had to clean the garage and edge for me. He's so cool.)

My point is, people take care of the biologically pregnant woman, while the waiting woman needs just as much nurturing and care, if not more! And we don't have that belly stickin' out there to yell "I NEED SOME ATTENTION AND CARE!" And most of us feel uncomfortable asking for that kind of nurturing, or even stupid saying: "Let's go shopping for baby clothes." It makes people sad for us instead of excited. I've been stewing about this for a week and a half now, and perhaps a bit longer...but I just had to write about it, it's been driving me crazy!

I've also come to a realization about myself. I have adopted(pardon the pun, it was an accident) the attitude of entitlement that I despise in others. And I'm really disgusted with myself. I need to get it through my head that I am not entitled to a child. It is not my right to be a mother. It is not my right to be chosen by a birthmother. It is a privilege. I need to get this chip off my shoulder and let go.
EDIT!: I see the attitude of entitlement in other people regarding "material goods" I would never and have never thought of any of my fellow waiting moms, or adoptive moms that I know as having this attitude. I saw it in myself and wanted to squash it. If any of you feel that you are entittled, I've never seen it.

While I'm no less deserving than anyone else, I am not more deserving either. I await God's blessing, but I am not entitled to it, and I confess my pride to all of you and to my God, who I know will forgive me. I am so sorry to have held that covetous greed for a child in my heart, instead of an honest hope.

Amen

Save The Children

This morning I was greeted by a rarity. Spam that isn't Spam! Please read on and follow the link if you'd like to know more about Bundle a Baby!

http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3457654&EDID=LD4MPN-62MY5-CKKFY2-IYGOD3-2Z5AA-v1

Mother’s Day Weekend

I know that everyone in "Adoption Blogland" understands and has written about their feelings about Mother's Day. The ache before they had their little one, the joy they feel now that they have their little ones, and the bittersweet pangs they feel toward the birthmother that spends the day without the child they placed. All I can think of the mother's day posts that I've read is that we, adoptive parents are probably the most openly introspective women I've ever read about. We contemplate everything; we worry about how the birthmother is feeling, how the birthfather is feeling, what our child is feeling, and how we desire to heal all of the hurt and grief simultaneously.

In my own Mother's Day experience, I tend to live in the moment, to let go of the hurt of the child that is missing from my life and focus on the relationship I have with my mom. Except when people give me the look or hover when I'm holding a baby that belongs to someone else, or worse: pray for "people who have a hard time at mother's day". Seriously, I was doing fine until the pastor at my mom's church said that. Then it was super hard to focus on the good. I don't need to cry in public! I just don't want to! My mom and my aunt both patted me and whispered, "next year!" (I can only hope!) They are such good Mom's to me. Auntie Bev has two boys, so I am her daughter too. I am really blessed to have them.

The best part of the weekend for me though, was meeting two very special people: my brother's new Girlfriend Wanda and our little niece Absidy. I didn't get pictures of Wanda, but here are a couple of me with Abi J.

All in all, I feel a hole in my heart, and it aches terribly, some days it aches more than other days. When I hold babies, it goes away completely. When I leave them with their mother, it almost breaks. It doesn't get worse, it just remains constant.

I was reading in Proverbs this morning and I came across a verse I had underlined previously, perhaps in 1995 when I was a Junior in High School, I refer to it as the dark period, because I have no journal entries from that time, only underlined verses and sermon notes and an occasional post-it in my bible. It was nothing horrible, just High School Drama. But this particular one didn't have a date, so perhaps it was a "Back to the Future" moment. J So here it is:

Proverbs 13:19a (I don't usually break up Proverbs, but I think it's ok in this case.)
Desire realized is sweet to the soul.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for my mother, and for the mother of my future child. I thank you for her courage, I thank you for her sacrifice. There is nothing sweeter than knowing you have hand selected them for me and Jer. We are so excited to learn who they are, we lean toward you in this time of anxious waiting. We know you are in control. While we pray that this will be our last childless mother's day, and that Jer will not have to go through another Father's day without a child, we know that the pain now will be perfectly eclipsed by the joy of our heart.

I pray that you will be with Britni and Jillian as they make their choices regarding adoption or parenting, that they will make responsible decisions that they're capable of fulfilling. That they won't break hearts with a promise they can't keep, and that they won't keep a child that they can't give their all to. I pray that you will bless us soon. But more importantly I pray that our life as a family will be honoring to you, that you will be glorified by the efforts of our parenting.

Thank you for your provision, for your changing love and for everything you've given to us. Most especially for your Son and His Resurrection.

Amen

Mother's Day

Jer gave me a card :D. I love him.

Momma Melba!

Photo credit:Melba Love

It's a Boy for Melba and her husband!

It's Charlie!

Hmmm.

I miss that little guy who was with us this weekend. The house is too quiet and it doesn't smell like baby lotion anymore. *pout* *goes into nursery and sniffs Baby Magic* Ahhhhhhh.

It's just strange to be so ready to do this parenting thing!

Lil’ whirl wind

Jer and I have been babysitting this weekend, for the new couple I mentioned in this post. It's been really interesting to see how living with a 22 month old works. He is definitely in the testing stage. He pushes the boundaries just to see how far he can go! And then grins. Of course last night when he woke in the middle of the night and threw a fit when I put him back to bed, I didn't see that he was playing games. I spent an hour and a half trying to get him to sleep before I realized I'd been had. So then we had to listen to him cry for his daddy for half an hour before he finally fell asleep. (He would take a break every now and then and wait to see what would happen, so I knew he was ok, I'd also changed him and gotten him a little bit of water, so it wasn't as if I was ignoring him completely.) When I really knew he'd give up was when he started calling for his mom. Stinker. He either calls for the easy target first, or last, I'm not sure which. I really can see how heart wrenching that would be if my name were "mommy". But it also shows me that these little kiddos will fight you for every moment of sleep. So that was a good lesson to learn!

Another good lesson, young people are down with an interracial family. Older folks, not so much; and by older I mean white hair. Couples in their 50's told us to "Enjoy our little boy." And the kid who boxed us up at Costo didn't even hesitate to call us Johnny's parents. "Are you having fun out with mom and dad?"

It made me a little sad, because even though we didn't correct them, because they were strangers and why bother… but I was thinking about how great it will be when it is our turn!

We took him to the McDonald's Playland near our house and can I just say that McDonalds is completely lame? They look like starbucks and the food is icky, and then, the playland is LAME! When I was a kid they didn't have much but it was fun! Now there aren't even ball pits and the slides are those tube slides and they barely have a slope. We're going to have to scout some better rainy day places to play. I've heard good things about the snooty shopping center. We shall see.

Have a great Sunday!

I can feel the Joy all around!!

There have been amazing developments in the lives of my friends this week.

On Saturday my dear friend Beth called and told me that she is pregnant with their third baby!! I am so excited to go and see her in June! I just can't wait to hug her and pat that tummy that will barely be a bump! She and her husband are parents to two of the sweetest and most beautiful children I know. I'm so excited to see what this little one will look like!

And then, last night, Melba!!! posted on Facebook that she had a little boy waiting for her!! How amazing that in one moment, with one phone call, your life can be so changed? Everytime I hear a story about "The Call" I am amazed at the immedeate transformation. Life becomes something else. Life becomes family!

Dear Lord,
Thank you for the wonderful miracle of life. The miracle that we get to share so much of. The excitement of newly concieved life, the life changing event of your call to us to be parents! Tie Miracle of Adoption and all of the factors that are perfectly arranged in order to bring us together. I am in awe. Bless the family of Melba and Michael.

My cup overflows.
Amen