Psalm 130

(Holman Christian Standard Bible)
Awaiting Redemption
A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I call to You, LORD!
2 Lord, listen to my voice;
let Your ears be attentive
to my cry for help.
3 LORD, if You considered sins,
Lord, who could stand?
4 But with You there is forgiveness,
so that You may be revered.
5 I wait for the LORD; I wait,
and put my hope in His word.
6 I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning—
more than watchmen for the morning.
7 Israel, put your hope in the LORD.
For there is faithful love with the LORD,
and with Him is redemption in abundance.
8 And He will redeem Israel
from all its sins.

I've mentioned before the study I'm doing in the Psalms, and it continues to be incredibly relevant to the situation of Waiting.

I've done some messed up things in my life, and I've stood by while other people have done things that I can't believe I didn't say more to deter them from what they did. And to be honest, I find it easier to reconcile myself to the things I've done that are awful than the things I've failed to do or things I've failed to oppose more vocally.

But in the study, the author, Beth Moore has shown me that because I believe, and because I ask, I'm forgiven for even that. Because He refuses to keep score. Those things I did, or didn't do, they are not the cause of my infertile body. Rebekah from "Heart Cries" mentioned in a post that "God closed Hannah's womb, and hers"... and mine as well; not to punish us for wrongs but to bring great joy and amazing love that honors HIM. The assumption of guilt is mine alone. He didn't put that on me, He died to take it away.

And then we get to the waiting part. Waiting on the Lord to move in our lives is Biblical. And having hope and waiting; the words as written in this Psalm are translated "With the indivisible element of expectation." And in Greek,the word"Hope loses all meaning without anxious expectation." (pg 126, Stepping Up, Beth Moore 2008.)

So, what on earth am I getting at? All of these anxious feelings of expectation and worried hope, they're not just "natural" they are validated by Scripture. Which may not mean a lot to the non-christian, but to me, it means that these feelings are not in someway antagonistic to the faith I have in God. My anxiety over waiting on Him to move in my life and bring us our child,(not to mention taking over the guilt I once felt for things I've done) is not showing a weakness in faith, but that these feelings come from my faith. That it is important to my journey, my growth in my relationship with God to be expectant and anxious.

And that is "all up in the middle" of where I am spiritually at this point in my adoption journey. God is moving, regardless of the current hopeful situation's outcome, God is moving in my life, and it just keeps getting more amazing with every day.

Oh Lord our Lord how majestic is your name in all the Earth!
The usual sin came up again, and it jabbed me as it happened, and I thank you for showing me mercy. Help me to keep from it.

Father I pray for S., a woman who needs you. I pray that you will help her, guide her and comfort her.
I pray for K. that she will have courage, that choosing will not be agonizing. It must be difficult to choose between so few. I pray that whom ever she chooses, it will be apparent to her from the start, and not be a hair splitting heart wrenching thing. Give her eyes to see and discern. In the weeks that are ahead, let things collect in her mind about what she might want, or images form in her mind that will trigger something when she looks at the profiles.

Father, if her child is to be mine, I pray you will do more than give us a child, I pray you will show us a friend, a sister and two new family members. Even if she only ever wants to talk to me or email me. That there will be some kind of continuing connection and that her disorder might pass by her child.

Thank you Lord, for your infinite wisdom, your unending grace, and complete sovereignty.

Amen

Prayer Needed

A new Birthmom in Oregon is going to be viewing our profile in the next few weeks, and only one other couple is going to be shown. I'm taking this as an opportunity to pray for a woman who has some very special needs. K is 28 years old and is currently under care for Bipolar Disorder. And she is alone in this situation, there is very little known about the birthfather other than the fact that he is caucasian.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Your name is GREAT and Greatly to be praised! I have been so proud to think that I am deserving of parenthood more than others, I pray you will take from me that haughty nature. I pray you will give us the opportunity to minister to K and to be chosen by her to be the parents of her child. If this is your will, I pray it will be done and if it is not, I pray that you will be our comfort. I pray for the other couple being shown, I pray that they will be prepared for parenthood, and that if it is your will for them to be the parents of K's child, that you will bless them mightily, that your arms will surround them as greatly as they would surround us should it be our turn. Your plan is perfect and we will accept what ever your plan brings.

Thank you for your beautiful work in my life, and how you've changed me through this process, the humility it's taught me. And for the beautiful tender heart you placed in my husband.

Thank you for creating adoption. Thankyou for K. and her brave decision to give her child the gift of life!

Father, thank you for your masterful work in the lives of Rebekah and Ben, and I pray that you will comfort birthmother Rebekah in this difficult time. Please bless their family with the best there is to bless them with.


I will be still and know you are God.

Amen

Two Little Children, not mine, but I love them anyway.

Our vacation was great! We visited our friends the Shoultz's in Schroon Lake, NY. Schoon is a picturesque little town on the banks of the lake bearing its name.

Beth and Nathan let us stay with them, and insisted on giving us their room while they slept in the double bed bottom bunk in the kid's room. Nathan still has a bruise on his forehead from his generosity. Jer and I would have happily slept with the kiddos, but Beth was insistant.

I'd grown numb to their absence (they moved to NY in January) and was so happy to hang out with them! We celebrated Gavin's third birthday, and went to the town beach, and to Ben and Jerry's factory in Waterbury, Vermont. We also visited Lake Placid, NY and all the little towns between Schroon and the two cities. It was quiet and very easy going. I loved the small town, I like small towns, they defy compartmentalization and even the businesses can overlap. For example, the bar also runs the video shop and the new consingment shop is going to have a small tea room.

And most everything closes at 5 at least until a little further along in the summer.

Now that I'm home and away from them again, I miss them again. Not more, but now that Carley is walking and talking, she's a personality to miss and not just a sweet little life that I admired. She's really good at the baby sign language, and she can say and sign "more please" and really likes icecream!

When they first moved it was really very hard on me, Beth is so generous with her children, she lets us "parent" them a little. And they're great about answering questions from Jer, who is always curious about things, but doesn't like to read all the books, I should start making a notebook of all of the things I've read and like.

So, spending time with them really filled a hole and it was neat that Carley remembered us, she was only 6 months old when they left and the sweet little smile she gave me in the car when I said Hi was one that seemed to be remembering. And the whole week, Jer was her best friend except for a few hours of shyness the first morning. I cried a little on the way home, but not as much as I did when they moved. And now I can visualize what they're doing everyday.

Can you blame me for missing these smiles?

I'm Back!

We had a very refreshing trip! Thanks so much for your wishes of a good time and prayer for our safe journey! I'll update more later, but here are a few pictures of our trip!

The Shoultz Family

Me and Jer with Lake Champlain

Burlington Vermont

Jer making good use of the native chair.


We went to the Ben and Jerry's factory, and then had Ben and Jerry's twice more!
We're on a diet for a month.

The Green Mountains

Vermont

Aaaaand I'm off!

Jer and I are going to New York this week.  We'll be spending some much needed time with our friends and their adorable children.  I've missed those babies like I've missed my own child.  It's been a tough six months with out Beth and her couch, and her hugs.  Not to mention sloppy Carley kisses and Gavin's little voice telling me how much he loves me!!!!  

I'll have my computer with me, but I just don't know how much blogging I'll be up for until we return.  We have hired a couple of awesome friends to house sit for us, so we're covered on the security, pet care and lawn care angles.

Let me just say that I'm never again leaving home in early June unless I must!  I do all of this gardening work only to miss the hey day!

Psalm 126

Currently, my Church is in the last days of a called Fast. We've been invited to fast from something and spend that time with God, praying and reading in the Bible, we've been asked to focus on Fear, and the state of our Country and our Church Fellowship. For the past 39 days I've been waking early each morning, and spending time with God. Anyone who knows me knows that I am always tired. I hate getting out of bed in the morning. The dawn is my nemesis. I love to sleep. I also have a thing with time. "What's Next" was Jed Bartlett's favorite saying on the West Wing, and I could identify with him on that. Every day that I work, my time is scheduled by someone else and I constantly look to a piece of paper to see what I am supposed to do next. So for me, giving up 30-60 minutes of sleep, my only unscheduled activity!? Yikes! It sounds small, but it is a sacrifice for me. There were a few days that I wasn't so thrilled to be waking up…but it was statistically insignificant.

At the same time the 40 days began, I began a Bible Study with Beth Moore Called Stepping Up, A Study of the Psalms of Ascents and I started reading the psalms and reading her notes on them, and I began to really be blessed by the words of the Psalmists.

The last couple days we've been working on Psalm 126:

A Song of Ascents.

¹When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
   we were like those who dream.
²Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
   and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
    "The LORD has done great things for them."
³The LORD has done great things for us;
   we are glad.

⁴Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
   like streams in the Negeb!
⁵ Those who sow in tears
   shall reap with shouts of joy!
⁶He who goes out weeping,
   bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
   bringing his sheaves with him.

 

 

 

After each two day period of going over a particular Psalm, we are encouraged to re-write it in a personal application. It is always a good challenge for me because writing is how I process the world.

My paraphrase of Psalm 126:

 

When Jer and I receive the gifts of God, we will be in a state of fantasy; laughter like that of a child's gleeful joy will spring from our lips.

People from everywhere will notice our complete joy and remark: "Their joy comes from the LORD! How great He's been to them!"

We will sing: "O LORD! You have done this wonderful thing for us! And we are more grateful than our mouths can say, or our hearts can express!"

Replenish the waters of our hearts, like those behind great dams like the ones that tame the Colorado, River.

Those of us who plant with heavy hearts and tears of trust will bring in a harvest of exponential joy.

Even though I plod along suffering as I carry the weight of empty arms, I will surely return skipping with the joy of motherhood; shouting with the effervescence of the greatness of the GOD.

 

It truly is my prayer, my hope, and my dream to find the goodness and plenty that is in the promise of God. To be patient enough to fully enjoy the things He has in store for me.

I will continue to wake in the morning, and spend time with the Lord, because as a friend at church mentioned, "We don't have to stop!" Sometimes it takes a challenge to do something different to do the things we should always be doing!

I pray for blessings of joy on those who wait with me, those who plod along beside me crying tears of trust and hope, I pray that you will all know the harvest of exponential joy!

Fears...Give them to me!

I want to know what your biggest Adoption Fear was/is.

Mine: Never being chosen, and the birth family wanting too much or too little contact, and not knowing what that means until it's WAY too late.

Alright women. Fess up, help me out here.

What are you scared of? And if you're not adopting and just like to read my drama, I'm enabling anon. comments. Tell me your mothering fears!

Bleck

I hate it when I have to be the one who says "This isn't right".

Heavenly Father,
You are the one I put my faith in. I pray you will help me discern what is right in all situations. I know that you are my foundation, I know that because of you I will not be shaken, I will not be torn apart. You will hold me together, you will help me know when the time is right.
Thank you for allowing me to be obedient in this situation.
Amen