Prayer Request

My blog life began six years ago over at Livejournal.com. One of my very first Internet friends, Viv, is losing her father to cancer. Please pray for her and her family.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Please be with my friend. Comfort Viv and her family and help them through this time of loss. If there is one thing I've learned this last year, it's that no matter how well lived the life, we will miss our dear ones when they leave this earth to meet you. Above all things, place a firm memory of her father in the hearts and minds of her little girls. Help them remember the funny faces, jokes and little things that grandpas do to make their granddaughters feel special. Please help them all to find a peace that only you can place in their hearts, and help them remember that you carry them when they can no longer walk.

In your loving name I pray,
Amen

The wonderful thing about Tigger's

Ok, so I'm kind of an Eeyore with a Tigger tail, but it sounded good for a post title!

I sincerely have to thank you for being kind to me when I'm in the "dumps". The toughest thing about blogging for me is trying to come across the way I really feel. Which is difficult. I'm really OK. I just get contemplative and my writing can be gloomy.

I really do bounce back, and I should say that more often, otherwise you'll all think I'm always mopey and sad, and who wants to give a baby to the lady who cries all the time!?

It was a very beautiful pre fall day here yesterday, chief and I went to Jer's softball practice and sat in the sun, it was great! I'm going to lunch with my friend Christine at the big M...which should be fun! I always like to people watch there, it's sort of like a college student Union or Cafeteria.

I'll try to sneak a photo or two to share!

That "right around the corner" feeling.

I was talking to my friend last night, and she said, "I feel like it's [our turn] close, don't you?" And I looked at her and wanted to say "Yes". But I couldn't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm expectant, but I feel like I've lost that "this could happen at any moment" feeling. With both of the close calls and all, I just don't have that anticipation anymore. I wonder, and I hope, but...I don't peek around corners anymore, like a kid waiting to catch Santa Clause in the act. When we began our journey everything was totally exciting and the big "WHAT IF" hung around every closed door. What if we get "the call" when we're on vacation, we just bought 300 dollar tickets, would we be able to reschedule? BTW would that fall under the vacation insurance you can get for 60.00? If so, we should be clicking the box.

I make plans several months out without even considering getting the call now, and technically we should be closer now than we were then...but the reality of waiting has set in.

I almost can't believe it's going to happen for real. It's been pushed back into the "if" realm instead of the "When".

I don't know how or why that happened. I feel the way Annie must have felt before Lexi came to be with them...just kind of sadly empty with my fingers pinching on to that last bit of faith and hope that this really is what we're supposed to be doing. I have strong fingers, so I can hang in like this for a long time, don't get me wrong...I just realized that in December it will be finger print time again and it made me want to cry.

I don't mean to sound sad, I'm not that sad, I think for the first time in a year or so, the reality that we are not one of those special 3-6 month people or 1-2 day people has sunk in. (I know a little late huh?)

I'm tired. Fall is coming, I felt the shift in the air today, I saw a tree with yellowing leaves, I marked myself out for Ladies Retreat. Football is in pre-season, soup recipes are trickling into magazines, normally fall is one of my favorite times of the year. I always loved starting a new school year.

How much longer Lord? I understand you are never late, but my heart is a little road weary. Give a girl some hope.

Who am I?

I think I smile the best with kids around. Especially these two.

I'm sure that if you read this blog regularly, you've seen pictures of me, you've read my prayers, you've figured out my writing style, and you've gotten a pretty good idea of who I am. I don't hide my warts, I try to laugh at them, but I wrote a post a while ago about my family and then one one each of my pets and even one about Jer. Up until now I was not really ready to write one about myself. So, while the proverbial "iron" is hot, I will strike.

I think we all define ourselves by how we relate to others and the things we like. Seriously what are we if not one giant opinion right?

My Twitter description of myself is pretty accurate, "A happy go lucky child turned quirky adult." When limited to 140 characters, self-description becomes both simple and difficult.

My mom might not say I was so happy go lucky. I was always emotional, but when it comes down to it, I was secure in the fact that my parents loved me (so I was happy and felt lucky to be me) and everything else was just my response to change. How I've learned to deal with changes in the world around me has made me sort of quirky. I am a little on the "jump to the worst possible conclusion and then talk myself down from the ledge" side.

Likes: honesty, integrity and consistency. Coffee, chocolate and pasta(I like versatility in my food). Jeans and funky shirts with comfy shoes. Reading,Cooking writing,gardening, mowing the lawn,sitting outside enjoying the world.

But above all of these individual things, I like to be with family and friends, so any and all of the activities is better when there is someone or lots of someones close by.

Things I do because I should: Exercise, watching the calories and going to the Dr. I work for a dentist, so dentistry is high on the list of healthy things I do.

I am both easy and difficult to please. I want what I want how I want it and when; but at the same time, I love little surprises. For example: a patient brought me some eggs from her hens, and that made my day. I ate them scrambled this morning and they were delicious! And so bright yellow! And that made the visit from the Animal Licensing man from "The County" fade into the background along with the 35 dollars for licensing the dog AND the cat. (Seriously, pet taxes?)

I love beautiful things, flowers, animals, seascapes, landscapes, sunsets, thunderstorms, clouds, etc. I love and appriciate the pretty things in the world.

I care about things that aren't so pretty, like orphaned children, lost animals, Senior citizens keeping thier dignity and people in crisis. I want to help and have found more and more ways to do that.

Most of all, I am grateful for a loving God who sent His Son to save me from myself. For all of the times when I've forgotten about the things I like, the things I should do and the people I should care more about. He's helped me find ways to reach out and think about people other than myself. And that is really who I am. A flawed and stained person rescued from a life of misery by Jesus. And thank God for that!

From From You and Me to Family: Kelley and Jeremiah In It for the Long Haul!

Strange how hard it can be to move on...but I'm glad it's finally happening...

It feels so strange to know that we've been shown again. Three times in the last two weeks with the jury still out on the third showing. I'm glad we're back in the mix with people looking, I knew we were, but to have actual viewings is sort of a relief mixed with a bit of jagged little pill. It means that K. in Salem is really over, but...it brings the hope of someone else, someone right.

Baby J. The newest cuddle bug in my collection!

Our friends had their baby six weeks ago, and he's really cute!

Liked this, Thanks Kellie!

But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day. Habakkuk 2:3

I'm not sure what version this is, but I like it.

Stephen's Ministry

So, in October I'll begin training as a Stephen's Minister, What is a Steven's minister you ask? According to their web site

The Stephen Series is a complete system for training and organizing lay people to provide one-to-one Christian care to hurting people in and around your congregation.

The Stephen Series provides congregations with the structure, training, and resources to set up and administer a complete system for lay caring ministry (called Stephen Ministry) in the congregation. In Stephen Ministry congregations, lay caregivers (called Stephen Ministers) provide one-to-one Christian care to the bereaved, hospitalized, terminally ill, separated, divorced, unemployed, relocated, and others facing a crisis or life challenge. Stephen Ministry helps pastors and congregations provide quality caring ministry for as long as people need it.

Unfortunately I have to attend the training at a different church, but as soon as I feel comfortable, I'm going to start the ministry in full at my church. Exciting!

I've been dealing with a lot of heavy feelings regarding birth mothers and how much I really do want to help them, I spoke to my Adoption Counselor about it, and she encouraged me to take the Stephen's training since I wanted to do it anyway. She also told me that after a few years of experience with the ministry I might be eligible to work as a crisis counselor with Bethany or even Lifechoices. Which would be AMAZING! I may have to go back to college to get a bachelors, and the one that I found at the local college is a Bachelor of Arts in Community Psychology, the course description and directives look like something that might be applicable along with the Stephen's training.

I'm going to pray about the College part, God will open the doors if it is His plan, but for now I'm starting with the Stephen's training.

Supporting One Another

There are so many of us with different stories that share the common thread of adoption. I'm so glad we have one another to talk to, people who haven't been in our situation have very little understanding and empathy for those of us who walk a more difficult road. I just wanted to take a second to thank all of you who read my blog, and to those of you who comment and pray for us, I thank you again and again. I really don't think I could do this without you!

Why I Can Still Enjoy Children and Pregnant Women

I know that people process this whole thing much differently than I do, but it never occurred to me to be unhappy or not enjoy children or pregnant women for that matter, until other people mentioned that it was hard for them. And after I thought about it, I made a strict effort to focus on the fact that children have always made me happy and I shouldn't stop letting that happen, because I have quite enough to be grumpy about! And as for the prego ladies, I've just always thought pregnant women are the most beautiful women in the world, and the fact that I may never know what that is like and sometimes I'm jealous of it...I can't seem to feel the icky feelings that many other women in my situation do. I don't know why.

Perhaps that is why I feel so strongly that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It's my conception process. I have never been pregnant not even once. But I know lots of people have miscarriages before they get pregnant, these false starts with the adoption thing are my "miscarriages". One of these days it's going to take. Perhaps in a way...as odd as it may sound...this is how my child is conceived in my heart instead of my uterus. This is the "trying to concieve" that counts for me. The biological trying was tedious and made sex totally not fun. Even as I write this post, my feelings on the situation are becomming more clear to me. All the years I spent wondering if I could ever get pregnant, and then trying to get pregnant and trying to arrange the proper conditions for it to happen were so frustrating, but that is all they were...frustrating. I had almost no emotional connection to conception. I lost that when I was told at 19 that I may never have children. I grieved it so long ago...and even though we tried for awhile, I was going in with the knowledege that it was more than likely hunting for a miracle. Adoption and searching for our "Juno" is more emotionally significant for me...and I can't belive I'm saying this...I'm glad it's been hard. I know WHAT!? But hear me out.

I've said in past posts that when I see something difficult, I want to leave a great big Kelley shaped hole in it and run toward it head first. Sometimes the thing that is the most right is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. I've never had an "easy" life. Sure I was raised in a middle class family, I never was without anything I needed, but I've never had things just "Work out" People say that and I have no clue what it means. I sell houses, move, find new jobs, get married and now Adopt and there are always roadblocks and difficult relationships, tough training, and certainly there has never been a bidding war where I make a killing when I've sold property. So why should Adoption be any different than the rest of my life? And I mean that earnestly not sarcastically. I'm doing this my way, the hard way. It's how I roll. Not that it's my lot in life, but I love everything I've ever gotten the hard way, and my baby will be no different. And the baby will be the worlds fussiest child. :D (I think Sara said in her blog "Curled up in a ball repeating 'this is what I wanted'" and I tend to agree!)

Baby-Sitting

I had a great time watching my co-worker's boys today. They are just loads of fun and so cute. They chased chief around the dog park and then we went to McDonald's for lunch and played in their playland. Nap time followed, Jer went and did the errands and I hung out at the house...could have done some chores, but played with Kian instead! Landon woke and we walked to the school playground and Jer picked us up on the way home from errands, and we had fun monkeying around and watching Cars. They cuddled and climbed all over me and while I watched them and played with them at the park, I realized for the 7millionth time how much I really do want this. Regardless of how much the process hurts, this mothering business is in my DNA and I WANT it bad; all the ups and downs of rollercoaster existance will be worth it when the ride changes. OK, I need a nap now, before we go to dinner at our friend's house and play with their kiddos and pick up their dog to dog-sit while they go camping...not sure why they wouldn't take her with them, Chief loves camping, but Chief will love having Pepper around I'm sure!

Work Stuff

We're getting a new roof at work and at times, we're positive a human is going to fall through the dropped ceiling. BAM! bambambam! every 8 feet or so, can't wait til they put the shingles on tomorrow! REALLY can't wait til we get a new roof at home! Hopefully that won't take longer than a day... it's not that big of a roof!

Other GREAT news!!! We finally signed our refinancing papers on the house! So, Mr. President Obama, thank you for forcing wElLs. fArGo! to refinance my home that is worth less than the money we owe on it...not much less, but less. So I can have a nice stable 30 year mortgage instead of 2 years left on a 5 year arm interest only loan. They kicked and screamed and dragged their feet all the way to closing but we will be closed on monday. Thank you God, for this blessing, I can now be at ease that we will be able to afford our home after I stop working.

We can now get that second Refridgerator for the garage! Our current fancy double door fridge with the freezer on the bottom is just not very well appointed for storeage of bulk items. Now we can have drinks in the fridge and leftovers, not to mention stocking up on homemade soup! YAY!!! Again, I will feel so much more prepared for baby once our garage is organized and the fridge is stocked with yummy food. Now all we need to do is get the cord for the generator wired to plug in and we'll be completely house ready for a baby. Even though we are "ready" at any time God deems is right, and we were completely disappointed by the last situation, I can't believe how unprepared I felt when it was actually a possibilty to go get a child.

Dear Lord, thank you for this order in my life. I do appriciate the detatils being wrapped up. I never like to worry about things being undone. Thank you for this victory over the bank.

Father, I'd like to lift up Lars&Elaine, I pray that you will bless them with a child, they've been waiting a long time for their baby, and I pray that their perfect match will come to them soon, and Rita's sister Anne, Lord, she aches for a child to fill her life. Even though my heart feels lonely and like we'll never be a family, these people have waitied longer than I have and deserve a baby in their lives too, help make them a family, and thank you for the temper tantrum Rita threw on my behalf this afternoon. It is so comforting to see people respond emotionally to my hurt too.

All of us who wait, we trust in you to fill our homes with the love we desire.

Thank you for filling us with hope, help the hurt to subside so we can fully appriciate the joy when it comes.

Your loving daughter,

Kel

For Those of You Who Don't Follow my Facebook...

I was crabby today in the morning and resolved to be un-crabby by 2pm which is after lunch.

I was successful. And now after a good sprint in the pool, my attitude is completely adjusted. Tomorrow will not be another sad day. I am done with the mopes.

Am thouroughly green with envy that Melba and Rebekah got to meet and smooch eachother's babies today!! I surely hope to do the same at some point! With as many of you as I can. I've been known to drive an hour or four out of the way to meet up with Cyber pals, and I'm not stopping now! :D

Today totally sucks.

I knew it would. I was expecting to not be at work today, so I knew going in would be a killer, I had to wear the new scrubs I was hoping would go to waste and open the new case of Medium gloves that I was hoping would be someone else's and...grrrh. I wish I could have stayed in bed with the covers over my head. I like my work, I like my job...but I was really hoping to not be doing this anymore. Sooooo close, but sososososo far.

Did I tell you she picked us from our old profile? The one that was supposedly "bad". Let me tell you about that profile. We had four copies. Two women chose us with it, and then couldn't or didn't place with us for various reasons, and it was never returned by two women, one of them was the most recent situation, but one was the Tacoma book. So I would have had to redo them anyway, but for a "bad" profile they got a lot of mileage! I just hope the new one works even harder and better than that one did!!


I'm sooo cranky today I shouldn't even post. :S

And We're back on the open market...

That about says it all right? No official word from K. in Salem, but we're moving on at this point. She'll come back if she can.

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support. It really does help.

And as usual my out look is "What could be better than this?"

Julie and Julia

Jer and I went to go see this movie last night and discovered a delightful movie!!! It was so much fun! I love to cook and I used to watch Julia's show when I was a little girl, and I totally enjoyed her! And knowing this much about her personal life and how positive she was really made me think!

Did you know that Julia Child was infertile? There were several scenes in the movie that just made me weep for her. But she only cried for a minute. What a strong woman! She was amazing! I need to find a copy of that book! I want to learn how to cook fearlessly with lots and lots of BUTTER!!!!!! :D

Retail Therapy

I was pretty bummed yesterday, so I decided to go to Ross after work and get stuff to make two new birthmother comfort bags, and I thought, why not make the container something fun that she can use again? So I got little make up bags...when I made the first set of bags a few months back, I wished I'd put a bible in, and so this time I was determined to find a bible the right size and price to put in...and God provides.

There in the corner for "Family Members" was a stack of leather bound NIV New Testaments for 5 dollars. I know! Right! Amazing! It was 3.99 for a cheap looking KJV new testament! We're talking LESS attractive than the Gideon bibles with the orange covers! So I was thrilled to come home and put these together with the usual lotion hair ties and nail polish. I also added a pack of kleenex and a sample eyeshadow kit leftover from an old Mary Kay promotion. I also put a pack of stationary and a card letting the recipiant know that a Bethany Family is praying for them. Aren't they cute? I need to go get a couple toothbrushes and toothpastes I forgot about them! Oops!

Wow, that was an interesting week.

On Tuesday I told you about a woman who would be looking at our profile on Wednesday. She chose us to "meet" that afternoon. On Thursday we were scheduled at 3 for a phone interview. Let me tell you the 24 hours between 3 on Wednesday and 3 on Thursday were the best 24 hours of my life. I can't describe the relief and happiness that washed over me.

And then, 4:00 Thursday came and she'd not called. It's amazing how fast the cookie can crumble. The story may not end here, there may be much more. But for now, we're completely uncertain.

I hope with all of my heart that she calls. I gave permission for her to call my cell directly if she'd rather not go through a conference call. I thought it might make her feel more comfortable, but so far she's not gotten back in touch with her counsellor. The counsellor is happy to give her the number should she want it though.

So if by chance you're reading this K. We're not mad, we know how hard this must be for you. We're here for you, regardless of what happens with little V. A. We do want to be her parents, we would be honored to be her parents. And we would be even more honored if you would trust us with your heart as well. We want to love you too. It doesn't have to stop here. It can go on, we can be a different kind of family. All you have to do is give us a chance. Together we can do anything, separately we are only two families in need. Reach out. For the sake of your family just call Erin and ask for my number. There is a way to do this that can change the world. Let's stand Open Adoption on it's ear and give hope to people who don't believe it can work. You, Jer and me, together.

Dear Lord,

I pray that K and her children are safe. I pray they are warm and secure, that they are being taken care of. That they are not alone. Please Dear Lord, show us a way through this world where there is no light in the tunnel of fear. Don't let this fear stand between two women who could do so much together. Be a lamp unto our feet and help us find a way to one another. Help K. trust her gut when it told her to choose Jeremiah and Kelley. Help her overcome her fears and come back to Bethany. If not for adoption, for support. We love her.

Help me to accept what may not be possible.

Amen

She says it so well, I thought I'd just link to her blog and say: "What She Said"

My journey through motherhood, life, and now as a birthmom.: I will praise you in this storm....

Can You Understand Where I'm Coming From?

I heard the saddest story today. My heart is still breaking into a million pieces and I’ve not quite grasped what it all could mean.

There is a little 2 month old girl, whose mother is in such bad times economically that she is relinquishing her for adoption. The birthfather has never been involved, and won’t be an issue due to the laws in the stat where they live.

Tomorrow she will be looking for parents for this little girl, who loves to be held, and seems to be very healthy.

We are in the list of profiles she’ll be looking at, and my heart is breaking because she is in this situation. I know that any mother who chooses us would be losing their little one, but to have the courage to parent for two months and then know in your heart that there is more for that child than you can provide…it makes my insides want to burn through my skin. She is so brave. What if she does choose us? I know that she would need us to do it, that we would be doing something equally good for her as she is for us, but still, ouch. How can I take this little girl from her mother’s arms? Why is it different? Is it the true tragedy of the situation? God is pressing her into my heart, this mother. I love her. I do and don’t want to be the one to adopt her child. I do because I know she can trust me to be a good mother and honor her sacrifice. I don’t because I really don’t want her to be in this situation. I want her to be ok. I wish we could adopt them both.

Lunch with mom and grandma

I drove down to Centrailia today, about 2 hours south of Seattle to visit with my mom and grandma who drove up from Portland. It's approximately half way between the two cities, which may be why it's called Centrailia...

I almost never drive that long, Jer has motion sickness issues if he's not driving, and since we usually go places together, he drives. I forgot how much I love cruise control!

we ate at the Country Cousin, which has decent food and usually isn't too loud, so it's good for conversation (not to mention you can see it from the Interstate, so it's easy to find) Really, how could you miss it?

I arrived in town about half an hour before my mom did, so I took a little drive down a road I've always been curious about when we stop for Star.bucks on the way to and from Portland. And was rewarded with this little gem: It's a car museum...it was closed, and there were no indications that it was ever really open...

Then I went to the restaurant and this is what happens when your 4'9" grandma tries to take a picture...

We had a good visit and I found a REALLY cute jacket at the outlet mall.

Yes, I am very tall when I stand next to the two of them...I am a giant 5'4.5" Mom is 5' and Grandma is the aforementioned 4'8" She used to be 4'10" but age has shrunk the disks in her spine. We're going to have to do this more often!

Jer's Gray Hairs

Yesterday we found three, he said, "It's this waiting...or that last project!"

I'm inclinded to agree with both!