Explaining Myself

I find myself having to explain / defend myself a lot.

Case in point;
We had suffered a loss in June of 08 right before we were officially waiting. That weekend we went to portland to visit family. We had breakfast with Hubby's family, met cousin's girlfriend and I left early to watch my bro play kickball.
After I had gone cousin made an announcement that Girlfriend was pregnant. Hubby told me later.

Fast forward 2 years. Girlfriend is now wife and she asks me how we met. I told her and remarked that it was a good thing I wasn't there for the announcement.

She flies off the handle and calls me rude and basically says that my grief was no reason for me to have not been happy for them. And that it's a good thing God gave me Jack so I could be healed.

I wanted to slap her. It isn't the first time I've wanted to slap her. That late period was my last round of clomid. My last chance for a pregnancy. I perceived it as a loss. While I am over the moon about my Son, it does not make that pain disappear; nor does it invalidate my grief.

She went on about how she'd miscarried twice prior to her daughter with different men for various reasons. And that I shouldn't think I was the only person to experience pain.

Again the urge to slap.

I don't like showing my vulnerable side to Hubby's family. I don't feel loved or safe emotionally there, so I didn't argue the point. I told her she should be proud to be such a healthy, well balanced person. That I was fine with being rude and broken. That if I had heard in a public place that cousin had gotten her knocked up after I'd suffered a loss, and 8 years of childlessness and two years of infertility treatment, I would have lost my basket. And the ensuing fruit puree would have been bitter due to the continued lack of consideration of my feelings by that family.

She told me I was selfish. Forget the fact that i was very supportive of her pregnancy once I rationalized it. But it took weeks. She isn't wrong... But she lacks the empathy she wants me to show her in retrospect. I wish my foot would stay on the floor and out of my mouth.

Now you all know my D.L.S. I live where I do so that I can be happy and have managed interaction with these people. And... I am not a nice person.

Dear Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot like, the strength to forgive them and the wisdom to keep my mouth shut around them. And a good shield for when I must be around them.