Thursday, December 11, 2008

Are we doing the right thing?

Some days we're so close to being a family I can taste it. Days like yesterday when a birthmother was looking at our profile along with a few others. And the day you find out she chose another family, I feel farther away than ever. It's then that I wonder if we're doing the right thing, are we following the path we're supposed to? Are we supposed to be doing something different? Different race, age group, should we be doing foreign adoption? Foster to adoption? Can I handle one more person in crisis choosing another family to love their baby as their own?

What do these "Other Families" have that Jer and I don't? What are we lacking? If we're not right, what is right, who will look at our profile and say, "I like these two, they should adopt my baby."

My boss tells me not to "Do this" to myself when I get excited about being viewed. But I feel like if I don't get excited, I'm letting my baby down. The down side is that I feel sad when we don't get picked. I need to feel this, it's part of me to experience all the emotions of a situation. I don't know how to do it any other way.

And then there are the "Situations" that are so far out of the realm of ok that I wonder, "Are these the people who would choose me; people who wouldn't be able to find another family who wants their baby because of their dangerous lifestyle?"


Tonight I pray for Tarra and Morgan, I hope you find perfect families for your babies. May the choices you make, and the families you choose be blessed by God. And as for me and Jer, help us cope with being passed over again.


Anonymous said...

Oh, I've been there and how. I've been in this process for almost a year now and well...we've had quite a few situations where we had to wonder, "what's wrong with us". We really thought 2008 was going to be our year to become parents. Facing the holidays and the end of the year, once again, childless is breaking our hearts. My prayers are with you.

Kelley said...

My prayers will be with you as well. I hope 2009 finds you a Mommy in the early months!

Jessica@Foodmayhem said...

Up and down rollercoasters can be really draining. I hope you find a way to embrace this process, without the torment.

Kelley said...

Me too! I think it is getting easier. The whole thing is hard to understand, but each experience teaches me something about myself. So...I just hope I don't have too much more to learn!