I know that everyone in "Adoption Blogland" understands and has written about their feelings about Mother's Day. The ache before they had their little one, the joy they feel now that they have their little ones, and the bittersweet pangs they feel toward the birthmother that spends the day without the child they placed. All I can think of the mother's day posts that I've read is that we, adoptive parents are probably the most openly introspective women I've ever read about. We contemplate everything; we worry about how the birthmother is feeling, how the birthfather is feeling, what our child is feeling, and how we desire to heal all of the hurt and grief simultaneously.
In my own Mother's Day experience, I tend to live in the moment, to let go of the hurt of the child that is missing from my life and focus on the relationship I have with my mom. Except when people give me the look or hover when I'm holding a baby that belongs to someone else, or worse: pray for "people who have a hard time at mother's day". Seriously, I was doing fine until the pastor at my mom's church said that. Then it was super hard to focus on the good. I don't need to cry in public! I just don't want to! My mom and my aunt both patted me and whispered, "next year!" (I can only hope!) They are such good Mom's to me. Auntie Bev has two boys, so I am her daughter too. I am really blessed to have them.
The best part of the weekend for me though, was meeting two very special people: my brother's new Girlfriend Wanda and our little niece Absidy. I didn't get pictures of Wanda, but here are a couple of me with Abi J.
All in all, I feel a hole in my heart, and it aches terribly, some days it aches more than other days. When I hold babies, it goes away completely. When I leave them with their mother, it almost breaks. It doesn't get worse, it just remains constant.
I was reading in Proverbs this morning and I came across a verse I had underlined previously, perhaps in 1995 when I was a Junior in High School, I refer to it as the dark period, because I have no journal entries from that time, only underlined verses and sermon notes and an occasional post-it in my bible. It was nothing horrible, just High School Drama. But this particular one didn't have a date, so perhaps it was a "Back to the Future" moment. J So here it is:
Proverbs 13:19a (I don't usually break up Proverbs, but I think it's ok in this case.)
Desire realized is sweet to the soul.
Thank you for my mother, and for the mother of my future child. I thank you for her courage, I thank you for her sacrifice. There is nothing sweeter than knowing you have hand selected them for me and Jer. We are so excited to learn who they are, we lean toward you in this time of anxious waiting. We know you are in control. While we pray that this will be our last childless mother's day, and that Jer will not have to go through another Father's day without a child, we know that the pain now will be perfectly eclipsed by the joy of our heart.
I pray that you will be with Britni and Jillian as they make their choices regarding adoption or parenting, that they will make responsible decisions that they're capable of fulfilling. That they won't break hearts with a promise they can't keep, and that they won't keep a child that they can't give their all to. I pray that you will bless us soon. But more importantly I pray that our life as a family will be honoring to you, that you will be glorified by the efforts of our parenting.
Thank you for your provision, for your changing love and for everything you've given to us. Most especially for your Son and His Resurrection.