Wow.

The insensitive award of the year goes to...."Car dealership financing lady" who said, "So when you're adopting and it doesn't work out, like, they change their mind or something? It doesn't feel as bad as if you lost a "real" baby right?"

Dude. I must have been in THE BEST MOOD EVER. Because I didn't cry, I didn't even make her feel stupid. And I think I made my husband proud of me.

I replied, "It was excruciating both times, I can't imagine being hurt more by a physical miscarriage. Adoption is not for the faint of heart, or sissies, it is a truly humbling and at times painful experience, and we're not even done yet."

And then she went on to talk about her poor sister in law who wants a "perfect baby" and their entire family hopes they get an ugly baby because SIL is so pretentious.

I must be high on Little Guy, because seriously, I was the most understanding and forgiving human on the planet today. I am amazed that I didn't tear up the contract for our new "family sized Fo.rd Ex,plor-er" and go to the competing che.vy dealer. But I just plan on writing a note to the owner of the dealership letting him know what an imbecile he has working for him. I don't really want to get her fired, I just want to let him know that there are some customer service training opportunities ripe for the picking.

GREAT DAY though. We now have a vehicle that will work with the infant seat and have room for the dog and all of our stuff when we go visit the fam in Oregon. AND, we got to go hang out with our friends and their cuddle bug Jonathan :D He was crabby, but did that stop me from holding and loving? Nope!

Fasting

So as you know, I fasted yesterday and prayed for family and friends and of course for our own family. And we went to "Teen Feed" to serve a meal to the teenagers of the kirkland area.

Fasting was difficult for me this time around, I've done it a few times in the past without much trouble, but friday wasn't such a great day. And at 4:30 I had to eat something. And then last night, what I did eat...well let's just say it didn't agree with me. :D

But it did teach me a very important lesson. No matter what you fast, when or how long, it is acceptable. Your effort is not a failure when you have to eat. Because really, I don't think the teens would have felt very honored by me passing out into a tray of hot dogs.

The teens were very appreciative of the dinner, it was a light night due to some celebrity activity at a local high school football game in the area, something about Will Smith and a Helicopter. Any way the kids that were there all seemed to be in one form or another "cool", but by my estimation, people underestimate teenagers and their need for family. Why else would they let a 31 year old with no idea who they are, mother them for five seconds and then smile? (not that they would admit to it!

I think all told, my adventure was a success. Even if 4:30 isn't exactly midnight. :D

I got some boy stuff at Ro.ss last night and then we went to a couple other baby stores and found some very cute baby boy things. We're trying to reign it in a little until we meet with H, but it was sort of impossible to walk past B.G. and Gymb. without stopping.

Wouldn't you know that the only day I choose to fast would be the day I WANT breakfast? :D must be psycological!

I keep having mini bursts of thankfulness, my prayers since wednesday have been "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" So, today's prayers should be a good reminder of how to really pray. Not that Thank you isn't fully acceptable to the Lord, but I DO have other things to say, and other people to pray for.

Thanks to everyone for hanging in with me! Melba I hope you get to relax a little this weekend!

I only have three words.

SHE CHOSE US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone feel like fasting with me?

This is a note I'm sending to the families at my church inviting them to do a "Fall Fast For Families". Any one else want to join in? :D



Dear Families,
I know that most, if not all of you know that Jeremiah and I are about 14 months into waiting for a child to be placed with us for adoption. Over the last 14 months it has become quite clear to me that God wants me to pray and spend time with Him. I have been making continued progress toward that goal. In my prayer life of praying for our family I have begun praying for our church families as well, and those of countless people I’ve met through the miracle of Adoption.
When the Missionary Paul, from Kenya was visiting our church I had the opportunity to have him over for dinner along with Clifford from Outlook as well. What began as tying up a loose end for Pastor turned into a very sweet evening of ministering to my heart and Jer’s as well.
Paul asked us why we’d been married so long and didn’t have any children; I believe his question was, “What are you waiting for?”  We then explained to him our position and what we were doing about it, and he said, “Oh you’re doing the right thing, do you have a Bible (handy)”. (I love having missionaries in my house, because they never leave a place without opening God’s word) He showed us a passage in Matthew where Jesus casts a demon out of a person and into a pig and says “Some things only come out by prayer and fasting.” Which in my mind means that some things need serious prayer and focus.
I was listening to Paul speak and a voice in my heart suggested I do what he said. So, what am I getting at? On September 18, (A Friday) I am going to be fasting from breakfast until Midnight. And I wanted to invite you to join me. At 5pm on Friday Steve and the youth are going to be serving Dinner to the Teens in Kirkland, and I am going to go help them. My question to you is this: Does anyone want to encourage me by joining me in this? I know that fasting is a little on the edge of most of our comfort areas, but…I feel lead by the Holy Spirit to do this on this particular day. To pray for my future family and for your families, that God will bless Jer and Me with a beautiful family of our own and for the prosperity and wisdom and guidance of your families.
This is not going to be a weekly or monthly event, in fact, it may never happen again. I felt the pull of the Spirit on my heart and I am going to follow through with it. If you’d rather not participate actively in the day’s events, would you please remember this date and pray for us? I would consider it a great blessing to have your prayers with us on that day. And I’d be even more grateful to those who jump in and do this with me.
Your friend and Sister in Christ,
Kelley Cathcart

Profile is being viewed today

I'm hopeful, but I won't know anything until Tuesday (Stupid Labor Day) so I'm trying not to be all freaked out for two more days :D.

This post is really for our friendRBBecause my heart is breaking for her and I pray when I feel like there's nothing else I can do.

Dear Lord Jesus,

You are our great healer, great comforter and great warrior. I pray that you will be all of these things for RB and her husband. Their broken and tired hearts ache with this loss. I pray you will bring them to a place where they can go on waiting. The long road to get to this point has been so difficult. Please Lord, help their family minister to them, help RB to accept the true heartfelt meaning behind the offerings of sympathy. Help the feelings of shame to leave her heart. Our families want to go through this with us, and I pray you can help influence their words and actions.

Oh Lord, wrap her in your comforting arms and renew her courage.

Be with all of us who wait to be tapped on the shoulder to mother a child who needs us. Help us fulfill our duty to our utmost abilities, carry us when we feel like we just can't take one more step. Help our prospective birthmothers choose from their heart.

Jesus your name is the definition of Love and in 1 Corinthians it is said that love is patient and kind, but it also says:

7(M) Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,(N) endures all things.

And because you are Love, with you we can truly bear, believe, hope and endure all that comes our way. Please hold on to us when we don't have the strength left to hold on to you. We've not fallen away, we've just fallen down.

Be the lifter of our heads, our hearts and our bodies. Give us courage and strength.

And help M. choose with her heart today Lord, guide her to the family you have already chosen.
Amen

Garbage can please!

So, the third person last month chose a different family. But we're being viewed on Sunday and will find out about that prob. on Tuesday. I'm officially sick to my stomach seriously want to puke...Sunday is forever away!!!!! But it gives us time to PRAY!!!!!!

Dear Lord all I can say is PLEASE!? But I know you will do the right thing for the mother and her child. Thank you for your encouragement and love.
Amen

The wonderful thing about Tigger's

Ok, so I'm kind of an Eeyore with a Tigger tail, but it sounded good for a post title!

I sincerely have to thank you for being kind to me when I'm in the "dumps". The toughest thing about blogging for me is trying to come across the way I really feel. Which is difficult. I'm really OK. I just get contemplative and my writing can be gloomy.

I really do bounce back, and I should say that more often, otherwise you'll all think I'm always mopey and sad, and who wants to give a baby to the lady who cries all the time!?

It was a very beautiful pre fall day here yesterday, chief and I went to Jer's softball practice and sat in the sun, it was great! I'm going to lunch with my friend Christine at the big M...which should be fun! I always like to people watch there, it's sort of like a college student Union or Cafeteria.

I'll try to sneak a photo or two to share!

That "right around the corner" feeling.

I was talking to my friend last night, and she said, "I feel like it's [our turn] close, don't you?" And I looked at her and wanted to say "Yes". But I couldn't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm expectant, but I feel like I've lost that "this could happen at any moment" feeling. With both of the close calls and all, I just don't have that anticipation anymore. I wonder, and I hope, but...I don't peek around corners anymore, like a kid waiting to catch Santa Clause in the act. When we began our journey everything was totally exciting and the big "WHAT IF" hung around every closed door. What if we get "the call" when we're on vacation, we just bought 300 dollar tickets, would we be able to reschedule? BTW would that fall under the vacation insurance you can get for 60.00? If so, we should be clicking the box.

I make plans several months out without even considering getting the call now, and technically we should be closer now than we were then...but the reality of waiting has set in.

I almost can't believe it's going to happen for real. It's been pushed back into the "if" realm instead of the "When".

I don't know how or why that happened. I feel the way Annie must have felt before Lexi came to be with them...just kind of sadly empty with my fingers pinching on to that last bit of faith and hope that this really is what we're supposed to be doing. I have strong fingers, so I can hang in like this for a long time, don't get me wrong...I just realized that in December it will be finger print time again and it made me want to cry.

I don't mean to sound sad, I'm not that sad, I think for the first time in a year or so, the reality that we are not one of those special 3-6 month people or 1-2 day people has sunk in. (I know a little late huh?)

I'm tired. Fall is coming, I felt the shift in the air today, I saw a tree with yellowing leaves, I marked myself out for Ladies Retreat. Football is in pre-season, soup recipes are trickling into magazines, normally fall is one of my favorite times of the year. I always loved starting a new school year.

How much longer Lord? I understand you are never late, but my heart is a little road weary. Give a girl some hope.

Strange how hard it can be to move on...but I'm glad it's finally happening...

It feels so strange to know that we've been shown again. Three times in the last two weeks with the jury still out on the third showing. I'm glad we're back in the mix with people looking, I knew we were, but to have actual viewings is sort of a relief mixed with a bit of jagged little pill. It means that K. in Salem is really over, but...it brings the hope of someone else, someone right.

Supporting One Another

There are so many of us with different stories that share the common thread of adoption. I'm so glad we have one another to talk to, people who haven't been in our situation have very little understanding and empathy for those of us who walk a more difficult road. I just wanted to take a second to thank all of you who read my blog, and to those of you who comment and pray for us, I thank you again and again. I really don't think I could do this without you!

Why I Can Still Enjoy Children and Pregnant Women

I know that people process this whole thing much differently than I do, but it never occurred to me to be unhappy or not enjoy children or pregnant women for that matter, until other people mentioned that it was hard for them. And after I thought about it, I made a strict effort to focus on the fact that children have always made me happy and I shouldn't stop letting that happen, because I have quite enough to be grumpy about! And as for the prego ladies, I've just always thought pregnant women are the most beautiful women in the world, and the fact that I may never know what that is like and sometimes I'm jealous of it...I can't seem to feel the icky feelings that many other women in my situation do. I don't know why.

Perhaps that is why I feel so strongly that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It's my conception process. I have never been pregnant not even once. But I know lots of people have miscarriages before they get pregnant, these false starts with the adoption thing are my "miscarriages". One of these days it's going to take. Perhaps in a way...as odd as it may sound...this is how my child is conceived in my heart instead of my uterus. This is the "trying to concieve" that counts for me. The biological trying was tedious and made sex totally not fun. Even as I write this post, my feelings on the situation are becomming more clear to me. All the years I spent wondering if I could ever get pregnant, and then trying to get pregnant and trying to arrange the proper conditions for it to happen were so frustrating, but that is all they were...frustrating. I had almost no emotional connection to conception. I lost that when I was told at 19 that I may never have children. I grieved it so long ago...and even though we tried for awhile, I was going in with the knowledege that it was more than likely hunting for a miracle. Adoption and searching for our "Juno" is more emotionally significant for me...and I can't belive I'm saying this...I'm glad it's been hard. I know WHAT!? But hear me out.

I've said in past posts that when I see something difficult, I want to leave a great big Kelley shaped hole in it and run toward it head first. Sometimes the thing that is the most right is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. I've never had an "easy" life. Sure I was raised in a middle class family, I never was without anything I needed, but I've never had things just "Work out" People say that and I have no clue what it means. I sell houses, move, find new jobs, get married and now Adopt and there are always roadblocks and difficult relationships, tough training, and certainly there has never been a bidding war where I make a killing when I've sold property. So why should Adoption be any different than the rest of my life? And I mean that earnestly not sarcastically. I'm doing this my way, the hard way. It's how I roll. Not that it's my lot in life, but I love everything I've ever gotten the hard way, and my baby will be no different. And the baby will be the worlds fussiest child. :D (I think Sara said in her blog "Curled up in a ball repeating 'this is what I wanted'" and I tend to agree!)

Baby-Sitting

I had a great time watching my co-worker's boys today. They are just loads of fun and so cute. They chased chief around the dog park and then we went to McDonald's for lunch and played in their playland. Nap time followed, Jer went and did the errands and I hung out at the house...could have done some chores, but played with Kian instead! Landon woke and we walked to the school playground and Jer picked us up on the way home from errands, and we had fun monkeying around and watching Cars. They cuddled and climbed all over me and while I watched them and played with them at the park, I realized for the 7millionth time how much I really do want this. Regardless of how much the process hurts, this mothering business is in my DNA and I WANT it bad; all the ups and downs of rollercoaster existance will be worth it when the ride changes. OK, I need a nap now, before we go to dinner at our friend's house and play with their kiddos and pick up their dog to dog-sit while they go camping...not sure why they wouldn't take her with them, Chief loves camping, but Chief will love having Pepper around I'm sure!

Work Stuff

We're getting a new roof at work and at times, we're positive a human is going to fall through the dropped ceiling. BAM! bambambam! every 8 feet or so, can't wait til they put the shingles on tomorrow! REALLY can't wait til we get a new roof at home! Hopefully that won't take longer than a day... it's not that big of a roof!

Other GREAT news!!! We finally signed our refinancing papers on the house! So, Mr. President Obama, thank you for forcing wElLs. fArGo! to refinance my home that is worth less than the money we owe on it...not much less, but less. So I can have a nice stable 30 year mortgage instead of 2 years left on a 5 year arm interest only loan. They kicked and screamed and dragged their feet all the way to closing but we will be closed on monday. Thank you God, for this blessing, I can now be at ease that we will be able to afford our home after I stop working.

We can now get that second Refridgerator for the garage! Our current fancy double door fridge with the freezer on the bottom is just not very well appointed for storeage of bulk items. Now we can have drinks in the fridge and leftovers, not to mention stocking up on homemade soup! YAY!!! Again, I will feel so much more prepared for baby once our garage is organized and the fridge is stocked with yummy food. Now all we need to do is get the cord for the generator wired to plug in and we'll be completely house ready for a baby. Even though we are "ready" at any time God deems is right, and we were completely disappointed by the last situation, I can't believe how unprepared I felt when it was actually a possibilty to go get a child.

Dear Lord, thank you for this order in my life. I do appriciate the detatils being wrapped up. I never like to worry about things being undone. Thank you for this victory over the bank.

Father, I'd like to lift up Lars&Elaine, I pray that you will bless them with a child, they've been waiting a long time for their baby, and I pray that their perfect match will come to them soon, and Rita's sister Anne, Lord, she aches for a child to fill her life. Even though my heart feels lonely and like we'll never be a family, these people have waitied longer than I have and deserve a baby in their lives too, help make them a family, and thank you for the temper tantrum Rita threw on my behalf this afternoon. It is so comforting to see people respond emotionally to my hurt too.

All of us who wait, we trust in you to fill our homes with the love we desire.

Thank you for filling us with hope, help the hurt to subside so we can fully appriciate the joy when it comes.

Your loving daughter,

Kel

For Those of You Who Don't Follow my Facebook...

I was crabby today in the morning and resolved to be un-crabby by 2pm which is after lunch.

I was successful. And now after a good sprint in the pool, my attitude is completely adjusted. Tomorrow will not be another sad day. I am done with the mopes.

Am thouroughly green with envy that Melba and Rebekah got to meet and smooch eachother's babies today!! I surely hope to do the same at some point! With as many of you as I can. I've been known to drive an hour or four out of the way to meet up with Cyber pals, and I'm not stopping now! :D

Today totally sucks.

I knew it would. I was expecting to not be at work today, so I knew going in would be a killer, I had to wear the new scrubs I was hoping would go to waste and open the new case of Medium gloves that I was hoping would be someone else's and...grrrh. I wish I could have stayed in bed with the covers over my head. I like my work, I like my job...but I was really hoping to not be doing this anymore. Sooooo close, but sososososo far.

Did I tell you she picked us from our old profile? The one that was supposedly "bad". Let me tell you about that profile. We had four copies. Two women chose us with it, and then couldn't or didn't place with us for various reasons, and it was never returned by two women, one of them was the most recent situation, but one was the Tacoma book. So I would have had to redo them anyway, but for a "bad" profile they got a lot of mileage! I just hope the new one works even harder and better than that one did!!


I'm sooo cranky today I shouldn't even post. :S

Retail Therapy

I was pretty bummed yesterday, so I decided to go to Ross after work and get stuff to make two new birthmother comfort bags, and I thought, why not make the container something fun that she can use again? So I got little make up bags...when I made the first set of bags a few months back, I wished I'd put a bible in, and so this time I was determined to find a bible the right size and price to put in...and God provides.

There in the corner for "Family Members" was a stack of leather bound NIV New Testaments for 5 dollars. I know! Right! Amazing! It was 3.99 for a cheap looking KJV new testament! We're talking LESS attractive than the Gideon bibles with the orange covers! So I was thrilled to come home and put these together with the usual lotion hair ties and nail polish. I also added a pack of kleenex and a sample eyeshadow kit leftover from an old Mary Kay promotion. I also put a pack of stationary and a card letting the recipiant know that a Bethany Family is praying for them. Aren't they cute? I need to go get a couple toothbrushes and toothpastes I forgot about them! Oops!

Wow, that was an interesting week.

On Tuesday I told you about a woman who would be looking at our profile on Wednesday. She chose us to "meet" that afternoon. On Thursday we were scheduled at 3 for a phone interview. Let me tell you the 24 hours between 3 on Wednesday and 3 on Thursday were the best 24 hours of my life. I can't describe the relief and happiness that washed over me.

And then, 4:00 Thursday came and she'd not called. It's amazing how fast the cookie can crumble. The story may not end here, there may be much more. But for now, we're completely uncertain.

I hope with all of my heart that she calls. I gave permission for her to call my cell directly if she'd rather not go through a conference call. I thought it might make her feel more comfortable, but so far she's not gotten back in touch with her counsellor. The counsellor is happy to give her the number should she want it though.

So if by chance you're reading this K. We're not mad, we know how hard this must be for you. We're here for you, regardless of what happens with little V. A. We do want to be her parents, we would be honored to be her parents. And we would be even more honored if you would trust us with your heart as well. We want to love you too. It doesn't have to stop here. It can go on, we can be a different kind of family. All you have to do is give us a chance. Together we can do anything, separately we are only two families in need. Reach out. For the sake of your family just call Erin and ask for my number. There is a way to do this that can change the world. Let's stand Open Adoption on it's ear and give hope to people who don't believe it can work. You, Jer and me, together.

Dear Lord,

I pray that K and her children are safe. I pray they are warm and secure, that they are being taken care of. That they are not alone. Please Dear Lord, show us a way through this world where there is no light in the tunnel of fear. Don't let this fear stand between two women who could do so much together. Be a lamp unto our feet and help us find a way to one another. Help K. trust her gut when it told her to choose Jeremiah and Kelley. Help her overcome her fears and come back to Bethany. If not for adoption, for support. We love her.

Help me to accept what may not be possible.

Amen

Can You Understand Where I'm Coming From?

I heard the saddest story today. My heart is still breaking into a million pieces and I’ve not quite grasped what it all could mean.

There is a little 2 month old girl, whose mother is in such bad times economically that she is relinquishing her for adoption. The birthfather has never been involved, and won’t be an issue due to the laws in the stat where they live.

Tomorrow she will be looking for parents for this little girl, who loves to be held, and seems to be very healthy.

We are in the list of profiles she’ll be looking at, and my heart is breaking because she is in this situation. I know that any mother who chooses us would be losing their little one, but to have the courage to parent for two months and then know in your heart that there is more for that child than you can provide…it makes my insides want to burn through my skin. She is so brave. What if she does choose us? I know that she would need us to do it, that we would be doing something equally good for her as she is for us, but still, ouch. How can I take this little girl from her mother’s arms? Why is it different? Is it the true tragedy of the situation? God is pressing her into my heart, this mother. I love her. I do and don’t want to be the one to adopt her child. I do because I know she can trust me to be a good mother and honor her sacrifice. I don’t because I really don’t want her to be in this situation. I want her to be ok. I wish we could adopt them both.

Jer's Gray Hairs

Yesterday we found three, he said, "It's this waiting...or that last project!"

I'm inclinded to agree with both!