Saturday, August 15, 2009

Why I Can Still Enjoy Children and Pregnant Women

I know that people process this whole thing much differently than I do, but it never occurred to me to be unhappy or not enjoy children or pregnant women for that matter, until other people mentioned that it was hard for them. And after I thought about it, I made a strict effort to focus on the fact that children have always made me happy and I shouldn't stop letting that happen, because I have quite enough to be grumpy about! And as for the prego ladies, I've just always thought pregnant women are the most beautiful women in the world, and the fact that I may never know what that is like and sometimes I'm jealous of it...I can't seem to feel the icky feelings that many other women in my situation do. I don't know why.
Perhaps that is why I feel so strongly that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It's my conception process. I have never been pregnant not even once. But I know lots of people have miscarriages before they get pregnant, these false starts with the adoption thing are my "miscarriages". One of these days it's going to take. Perhaps in a odd as it may sound...this is how my child is conceived in my heart instead of my uterus. This is the "trying to concieve" that counts for me. The biological trying was tedious and made sex totally not fun. Even as I write this post, my feelings on the situation are becomming more clear to me. All the years I spent wondering if I could ever get pregnant, and then trying to get pregnant and trying to arrange the proper conditions for it to happen were so frustrating, but that is all they were...frustrating. I had almost no emotional connection to conception. I lost that when I was told at 19 that I may never have children. I grieved it so long ago...and even though we tried for awhile, I was going in with the knowledege that it was more than likely hunting for a miracle. Adoption and searching for our "Juno" is more emotionally significant for me...and I can't belive I'm saying this...I'm glad it's been hard. I know WHAT!? But hear me out.

I've said in past posts that when I see something difficult, I want to leave a great big Kelley shaped hole in it and run toward it head first. Sometimes the thing that is the most right is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. I've never had an "easy" life. Sure I was raised in a middle class family, I never was without anything I needed, but I've never had things just "Work out" People say that and I have no clue what it means. I sell houses, move, find new jobs, get married and now Adopt and there are always roadblocks and difficult relationships, tough training, and certainly there has never been a bidding war where I make a killing when I've sold property. So why should Adoption be any different than the rest of my life? And I mean that earnestly not sarcastically. I'm doing this my way, the hard way. It's how I roll. Not that it's my lot in life, but I love everything I've ever gotten the hard way, and my baby will be no different. And the baby will be the worlds fussiest child. :D (I think Sara said in her blog "Curled up in a ball repeating 'this is what I wanted'" and I tend to agree!)


Kellie said...

I feel the same way you feel about kids and pregos! I never really did sink down to the darkness, and when we decided to adopt, it was a relief! GOOD! Now we don't have to mess with timing everything, and that was so irritating!

Kel said...

I guess "Kelly's" think alike! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way...not that it's a bad way to be...just the minority I real statistical way to tell! Good luck with your bmom situation! If this is God's will it WILL work. He'll let you know what you need to do! I'll be praying for you!

BB said...

I feel the same way about children, for sure. I NEVER felt the pain about the children part- becuase no matter what, I could find a way to have children. Becoming pregnat was never a definite though... so that has bothered me. The funny thing is, it NEVER bothered me when we were TTC, just when we started our adoptiong journey (go figure!), but I think that is because in 2008, I had about 15 pregnancy announcements... and it was just a little much to bear!! For me, it wasn't even about not being able to be pregnant, it was just a reminder of my empty nest. I was jealous of their ability to PLAN their family when I felt so out of control with my own family plans.

Always always always I had no issues once the babies were here... becuase they are BABIES!! The cutest things ever!

I'm glad that part isn't painful for you!! It will make your journey much more peaceful!!

Kel said...

I can totally understand where you're coming from and I remember reading your post about your sister being pregnant and I thought "If my brother gets his girlfriend pregnant, I'll kill him." And Jer's Cousin became an "unwed" father about 5 months ago. His baby is adorable, I love her, but I get ruffled about that sometimes.

I'm just so glad that kiddos still make me happy!

It seems like everyone is pregnant, and I do feel left out of that sometimes.

sarah m said...

I think you have the perfect attitude about it...I'm right there with you!

Kel said...

I don't know if there's a perfect way to be, but I'm really glad that I don't hurt when I see kiddos and pregnant women! I'm glad you feel the same way :D.

Melba said...

Children were actually part of my healing and acceptance of IF. Without them to spend my days with, I'm certain I would have shriveled up into a bitter, old hag long before now!!! I have always loved being around kids, and I've always had a natural knack for them. To push them away during TTC and our wait simply would not have worked for me, and I never did that.

The pregnant woman thing hasn't been quite so easy for me, though I do think I've made peace with it now. I guess at the time I resented them, it was more the attention they got than anything else. At this point, I am well on the other side, and can see and appreciate the fact that there are a lot of pros to not getting pregnant amidst all the cons.

Plus, I can really relate to what you said about all the things you've worked really hard for being really dear to you now. If you think about it, marriage is that way. Good ones anyway, require a lot of work, but they also pay out a huge reward when it's all said and done.

I am right with you that THIS is your way and your path, and I'm so glad you are able to look at the bright side of the harder parts of this journey.



Kel said...

When I was evaluating the most recent situation, I realized that God had answered my prayer, at least I hope He did, because I prayed that if it was possible for K to find some way to stay with her baby that she'd find it. I was hoping to talk to her about it, which is really my only regret. I never got to talk with her. More than anything I wanted her to know that I was praying for her. So that is my bright side for the last situation :D

Another friend mentioned the attention that pregnant women get as one of her sticky points too. I admit, I feel less special. (of course I wouldn't want people to come up and pat my tummy and ask how my adoption was going either)