I was talking to my friend last night, and she said, "I feel like it's [our turn] close, don't you?" And I looked at her and wanted to say "Yes". But I couldn't.
Don't get me wrong, I'm expectant, but I feel like I've lost that "this could happen at any moment" feeling. With both of the close calls and all, I just don't have that anticipation anymore. I wonder, and I hope, but...I don't peek around corners anymore, like a kid waiting to catch Santa Clause in the act. When we began our journey everything was totally exciting and the big "WHAT IF" hung around every closed door. What if we get "the call" when we're on vacation, we just bought 300 dollar tickets, would we be able to reschedule? BTW would that fall under the vacation insurance you can get for 60.00? If so, we should be clicking the box.
I make plans several months out without even considering getting the call now, and technically we should be closer now than we were then...but the reality of waiting has set in.
I almost can't believe it's going to happen for real. It's been pushed back into the "if" realm instead of the "When".
I don't know how or why that happened. I feel the way Annie must have felt before Lexi came to be with them...just kind of sadly empty with my fingers pinching on to that last bit of faith and hope that this really is what we're supposed to be doing. I have strong fingers, so I can hang in like this for a long time, don't get me wrong...I just realized that in December it will be finger print time again and it made me want to cry.
I don't mean to sound sad, I'm not that sad, I think for the first time in a year or so, the reality that we are not one of those special 3-6 month people or 1-2 day people has sunk in. (I know a little late huh?)
I'm tired. Fall is coming, I felt the shift in the air today, I saw a tree with yellowing leaves, I marked myself out for Ladies Retreat. Football is in pre-season, soup recipes are trickling into magazines, normally fall is one of my favorite times of the year. I always loved starting a new school year.
How much longer Lord? I understand you are never late, but my heart is a little road weary. Give a girl some hope.