Saturday, August 29, 2009

That "right around the corner" feeling.

I was talking to my friend last night, and she said, "I feel like it's [our turn] close, don't you?" And I looked at her and wanted to say "Yes". But I couldn't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm expectant, but I feel like I've lost that "this could happen at any moment" feeling. With both of the close calls and all, I just don't have that anticipation anymore. I wonder, and I hope, but...I don't peek around corners anymore, like a kid waiting to catch Santa Clause in the act. When we began our journey everything was totally exciting and the big "WHAT IF" hung around every closed door. What if we get "the call" when we're on vacation, we just bought 300 dollar tickets, would we be able to reschedule? BTW would that fall under the vacation insurance you can get for 60.00? If so, we should be clicking the box.

I make plans several months out without even considering getting the call now, and technically we should be closer now than we were then...but the reality of waiting has set in.

I almost can't believe it's going to happen for real. It's been pushed back into the "if" realm instead of the "When".

I don't know how or why that happened. I feel the way Annie must have felt before Lexi came to be with them...just kind of sadly empty with my fingers pinching on to that last bit of faith and hope that this really is what we're supposed to be doing. I have strong fingers, so I can hang in like this for a long time, don't get me wrong...I just realized that in December it will be finger print time again and it made me want to cry.

I don't mean to sound sad, I'm not that sad, I think for the first time in a year or so, the reality that we are not one of those special 3-6 month people or 1-2 day people has sunk in. (I know a little late huh?)

I'm tired. Fall is coming, I felt the shift in the air today, I saw a tree with yellowing leaves, I marked myself out for Ladies Retreat. Football is in pre-season, soup recipes are trickling into magazines, normally fall is one of my favorite times of the year. I always loved starting a new school year.

How much longer Lord? I understand you are never late, but my heart is a little road weary. Give a girl some hope.



RB said...

The wait is rough. No doubt about it. Hugs...

Jamie said...

i know you are......i pray that God hears our prayers and brings your baby home heart feels you.....i've been where you are. when you can't walk any longer remember He will carry you......

Kel said...

I'm so glad to have such understanding women around me. I thank God for you all!

sarah m said...

I totally share your thoughts, even though we aren't at the same point in the wait as you's hard to "plan" things like there's nothing to worry about, because you just never know...but at the same time, you really have to! I know your time is soon. What you said about not being one of those 3 - 6 month or 1 - 2 days people, sure, maybe you weren't. But you know what? Maybe that means you'll be one of those "one year or so" people. :) Hang in there!! :)

Dana/WiredDesign said...

My heart aches for you - but the important thing is that you still have fait that your time will come! Hold onto that!

Melba said...

Oh Kel...there was a time when I could have written this post myself!

I so understand the place you're in, and it makes me want to give you a hug and cry with you. I'm so sorry I didn't see this post when you wrote it...sigh.

Hang in there, Girl! I know it's so hard to see it when you're under the wet blanket of the wait, but it will be when, not if!!