I was helping my friend Kay teach Sunday School, which was focused on the Breast Plate of Righteousness. And the Story was about Abraham and Sarah and their sadness over being without children. I'm starting to think the Media is behind all of the shock over infertility, the Bible is full of women who were without children for one reason or another! God ended up being their fertility doctor, but still...it seems fertility has always been an issue...Anyway(right Abraham and Sarah)the lesson tugged at heartstrings and I had the urge to cry, but didn't. I was fine.
Talking to people who knew was tough, because I am a "Trooper" I don't want people to see how much I hurt. Not in person, it's too personal (Duh) But I mean that my pain is personal, I don't want to share it with people who mean well but don't understand. I don't want to be placated, or pitied, I want to be understood. I don't really want all that. I appreciate it when you, the women who've been there, or are there or will be there tell me your stories, because they are relevant. People who have never done this may think they can say something that will help, but in reality, nothing really does aside from someone who's experienced it, or is experiencing it. I don't mean to be unkind to people who haven't been here, it's just a difficult thing to try to "Put yourself in the other's shoes" Am I making sense? Or am I just being petulant and playing the martyr?
One person did it well, she hugged me and said, "We're still praying." That's it. Nothing more, and that was enough.
Then the message my friend Stephen gave was partly on having a story to tell about how God got you through _________ time in your life. Well, honestly, all of the prayers of others have really gotten me thorough this waiting thing, even though it isn't over yet. I know that the prayers of my faithful friends will be the thing that gets us through this. It is surely what got us through the last year.
God has given me a journey and I'm not going to quit. Jer and I are picking our selves up and dusting off our pants, and we are continuing on out of this valley and out of this pit of frustration and walking on. Our child is out there, we will meet them soon. I am confident that this is a request that God had said "YES!" to, we just have to arrive at His designated time.
The thing I have come to realize and it's given me great comfort is this: NONE of these children have been meant for me. Saying that they were would imply that God made a mistake, and that would take away from his Sovereignty. I trust that God is in control. And THAT heals me.
Am I sounding cranky?
Thank you for meeting me where I hurt, for reminding me that others have hurt the same way I do. For giving me a story to tell of your awesome-ness. For this will be my story of trial, and my Ebeneezer to raise. I have come this far with the help of my God. You have seen me through at least 10 situations that were so tempting and seemed so right, that only you could know that there is something even better waiting for me.
I am so sorry for my sad and bitter feelings over what could have been with the most recent one. Thank you for finding a family for K's baby one that will perfectly fit her situation and needs.
I pray that our time will come in your perfect timing. I'm going to try to get my world in order for when it does happen.
Thank you for being in control of all things. I trust you.