Sunday, July 19, 2009

Church Today

I was helping my friend Kay teach Sunday School, which was focused on the Breast Plate of Righteousness. And the Story was about Abraham and Sarah and their sadness over being without children. I'm starting to think the Media is behind all of the shock over infertility, the Bible is full of women who were without children for one reason or another! God ended up being their fertility doctor, but seems fertility has always been an issue...Anyway(right Abraham and Sarah)the lesson tugged at heartstrings and I had the urge to cry, but didn't. I was fine.

Talking to people who knew was tough, because I am a "Trooper" I don't want people to see how much I hurt. Not in person, it's too personal (Duh) But I mean that my pain is personal, I don't want to share it with people who mean well but don't understand. I don't want to be placated, or pitied, I want to be understood. I don't really want all that. I appreciate it when you, the women who've been there, or are there or will be there tell me your stories, because they are relevant. People who have never done this may think they can say something that will help, but in reality, nothing really does aside from someone who's experienced it, or is experiencing it. I don't mean to be unkind to people who haven't been here, it's just a difficult thing to try to "Put yourself in the other's shoes" Am I making sense? Or am I just being petulant and playing the martyr?

One person did it well, she hugged me and said, "We're still praying." That's it. Nothing more, and that was enough.

Then the message my friend Stephen gave was partly on having a story to tell about how God got you through _________ time in your life. Well, honestly, all of the prayers of others have really gotten me thorough this waiting thing, even though it isn't over yet. I know that the prayers of my faithful friends will be the thing that gets us through this. It is surely what got us through the last year.

God has given me a journey and I'm not going to quit. Jer and I are picking our selves up and dusting off our pants, and we are continuing on out of this valley and out of this pit of frustration and walking on. Our child is out there, we will meet them soon. I am confident that this is a request that God had said "YES!" to, we just have to arrive at His designated time.

The thing I have come to realize and it's given me great comfort is this: NONE of these children have been meant for me. Saying that they were would imply that God made a mistake, and that would take away from his Sovereignty. I trust that God is in control. And THAT heals me.

Am I sounding cranky?

Almighty Father,
Thank you for meeting me where I hurt, for reminding me that others have hurt the same way I do. For giving me a story to tell of your awesome-ness. For this will be my story of trial, and my Ebeneezer to raise. I have come this far with the help of my God. You have seen me through at least 10 situations that were so tempting and seemed so right, that only you could know that there is something even better waiting for me.
I am so sorry for my sad and bitter feelings over what could have been with the most recent one. Thank you for finding a family for K's baby one that will perfectly fit her situation and needs.

I pray that our time will come in your perfect timing. I'm going to try to get my world in order for when it does happen.

Thank you for being in control of all things. I trust you.


Jamie said...

oh kel......trusting is more than half the battle and i know you've heard it before and it's so difficult to truly understand right now, know what's coming :).......when your baby does finally find you ~ your heart will change forever and you will know 100% that God made this child just for you and that's why you had to wait. i know it's not much consolation right now ~ but your heart is in the right place and don't ever be sorry for what you are feeling. we are here for you....

mandamike said...

This is really something that I have struggled with. Just recently I've left our journey into Heavenly Father's hands. He knows when the baby that is meant to be in our family will come. I just have to continue to have faith and work hard to bring baby #2 home. It's hard to not have control, it hurts... we are lucky, though. Adoption really is a modern day miracle. *hugs* your baby will find you.

Melba said...

I admire your faith so the time I was where you are in this journey, my faith was best.

I think you have a beautiful spirit, and an great attitude, both of which matter so much.

I totally get what you said in this post about women who haven't lived it really not being able to say anything helpful. It's so true! I pray your time comes soon!


Kel said...

Hi Ladies, thanks for your kind words, your thoughts and prayers have been the difference between a deep darkness and a shadow. You really do put the light into my life with your words of encouragement.

Thank you so much and if it wouldn't be too much to ask, please keep praying for us! We need it!

And Melba, God is always here. He's never left you, and He'd be thrilled to have you talk to Him again!