I was thinking too much the other day and here is my question: Will people always be "careful" with their conversations about children around me? I know what I want; I want to have life go on around us daily without people zeroing in on the fact that my child will be adopted. You know, "There goes Kelley and her Adopted Child." My fear is that people like my boss, who while they mean well, give out too much information. I want our family to be defined by who we are, not how we came to be. Adoption and fostering will be part of our lives, not our life.
Speaking of fostering, Jer and I have been talking about it a little bit, and we'd like to do it after we have our forever child. I'm very concerned about the overall welfare of children and the foster system kind of scares me. But I was talking to a patient who works in the Department of Children and Family Services and she was very positive about how it works in our state. She was very supportive of my ideas on the situation. Which are: I want to do it, I'd like to foster one child at a time and I'd like to make them feel like they are my child until they have to go somewhere else. I would never introduce them as anything other than my "son or daughter" or by their name if they don't want to be called our child (yet). I just feel like I am a mom that is my job, has been since I was a little girl and I've been training for it my entire life, and now I want to do it. I want to do it well. Not perfectly, not that I won't get tired or hurt or make mistakes, but I can make sure that they know they are loved, that they are safe and they have a special place in my heart.
Am I crazy? When I mention Adoption, people say "What a wonderful thing." When I mention foster care, they frown, and say, "That sounds hard." Dude. Are people completely afraid of challenge these days? When I see something that is hard, I want to run into it headfirst and leave a great big Kelley-shaped hole in it; especially if it's the right thing to do. Granted, even I know the look of granite when I see it, but I really don't see children who need caring for as a granite face. My rock/mountain climbing friends would say that even granite can be scaled. Is it merely that we all view life with only our own skill set in mind, with only our own limitations to respond to the desires and ideas of others; or is it really that bad an idea? Why do people try to talk me out of it? No one has ever tried to talk us out of adoption, they do make false assumptions about the process and ask inappropriate questions, but they never tell me I'm crazy. Why would they tell people I'm crazy to want to foster? I think people that run are crazy, but I admire their mettle. I like to swim and do yoga, I like it because it is hard and you get better at it over time; my skill and inclination is different than my husband's. Jer tells me that swimming is difficult for him (arms and legs working together?) and he's never been able to bend into some of the yoga positions I can get into; but we don't try to talk the other out of going out and practicing our preferred exercise. Why would someone try to talk someone else out of something they're called to do? It really is a mystery to me.
What will it be like to be a family? How will it make us metaphysically different? I know how it will change my life practically, but what will this "mother" thing be like? I know I want it, but honestly, I'm afraid of my emotions. I am an extremely emotional person, how will I be able to hang onto myself when I'm faced with my greatest dreams come true. Will it frighten my child to hear his/her mother weep with what I feel is something of a primal desire? Will I fall apart as I fear I will? What will it feel like to hear that Jer and I have been chosen? Not only chosen but that we'll be parents in a measurable amount of time? What if that time is days? How would I process this? What does it feel like to "get" the desire of my heart? When Jer walked into my life it was peaceful. It was just an instant no-brainer. My husband had walked through the door and I was fully accepting of that reality. That is the closest thing I have to actually ever getting exactly what I wanted. And what if it falls through again? I think I might throw up if that happened again. I also might not survive the disappointment. But like everything HARD, I must take the risk of failure and only then will I see the success and amazing gift that is on the other side of that scary risk.
I really hope I've not brought anyone down; I'm just trying to wrap my brain around it. I want the joy and trust the Lord to bring it, and to help me deal with it, but am I SUPER NUTS to be scared of being that happy? I must be. Love to all of you who've received your bundles of blessing, I get through my weeks by seeing the results of God's blessings in your life. It helps me to know that it happens, to see your children grow and how much they love you.
Dear Lord, Help me to accept blessing when it comes, help me to know how to respond, and help me live in that happiness without fear of losing it.