How many times have I prayed for a child saying "I know it's in your hands?" Lots. Every time I pray in fact. But do I really trust Him? Did I really trust him this last time when things seemed so right to me? Did I truly rest in the knowledge of His sovereignty? I have to say no. Not completely, and I know I'm not perfect, so I'm going to define completely as "to the best of my ability". I trusted more in the facts. That on paper everything seemed to match up. And I'm not saying that because of this I was denied a baby. I don't believe God punishes us like that.
I was never meant to have this situation work. I needed to learn something from this moment. It took a couple days to see through my own pain, but after a swim, a work out and a sauna listening to my ipod and reflecting on all of the things that have happened in the last five days (including the Blue Team's win); I've come to a realization that I'm holding on too tightly to things I can quantify.
Tonight in the sauna, my heart was calm for the first time in about 72 hours. The disappointment faded and I regained focus. Driving home from the Club, I prayed this prayer:
I give you permission (not that you need it) to knock my socks off with your plan. To arrange a life for me that will bring more honor to you, than it brings glory to me. That this plan for Jer and me, will blow us away, bring us humility and most of all that it will be more of a blessing to others than it is to the two of us. I'm really going to try to let go of this; and let you do your work in me, in our birthparents, and in the people who will be witness to all of these things. Help me give up my imagination, to stop thinking of how it might happen and be completely knocked out by the way you will have it happen.
Thank you for everything you've done and please be with the family who is struggling to determine their obedience to your plan.
Thank you for finding Nicole and her husband a baby.
In Jesus name, I pray,