Let's face it. Waiting for a match/placement/adoption to happen is always hard, every day there's this question in your mind "Am I going to get news today?" The day to day waiting just plain stinks. But you get used to the background of general stinkiness.
Then there are days that are just painful.
My husband's cousin's girlfriend is 4 days overdue and I am excited about their baby, but when I was at a family gathering, my husband's step mom brought a gift for the baby. I pretended to be busy cooking, but for some reason, that hurt. I was talking to the pregnant girl and not uncomfortable at all, and I was feeling her stomach get all rock hard when she had a Braxton Hicks contraction, and then her baby totally rolled over, like her back was facing the left side and she rolled completely over and her back was facing the right side. It was AMAZING. But it triggered the "I'm never going to feel that" emotion. I covered ok, but I did end up going home early with a headache. It's hard to force a smile for a long time.
I was upset, but then my mom came in and was laying on the bed next to me and telling me that I'm brave and yadda yadda. And then she totally twists the knife in my heart. "I'm praying that you'll have a miracle and get pregnant. Is that ok?" NO. It really isn't ok. I thought she was behind this all the way, only to find out that she's praying for pregnancy. "Of course we don't mind if you adopt and we'll love the baby…etc…" It was reminiscent of the feeling I got when Jer's grandmother told him on the night before our wedding that he could still back out; After we'd spent 10,000 dollars on a wedding; Or when my Aunt said that she didn't see anything special about Jeremiah. It was betrayal. And now my mom says this?! Seriously, when are our families going to get behind us 100%? Sure they give to the baby fund, but in their minds, that money could pay for a "Real" baby too. I expect this kind of stuff from strangers, but not from my family.
I did tell her that it wasn't ok and that really wasn't what I wanted right now. (obviously I'd be excited to be pregnant and would still go through with the adoption process as well, because this is something we really believe in, but COME ON!) But she didn't apologize, nor did she say she'd stop praying that way. I can't pretend that this doesn't put a dent in things for me. Before I knew she was secretly holding out for a biological child, I thought she understood the importance of Adoption being our Choice, not a "Second choice". We could have chosen to go through more aggressive fertility treatment, but we chose ADOPTION. So GET WITH THE PROGRAM. Now I'm ticked and hurt and NOW I wonder if she will ever love my baby as much as much as she'll love my brother's future children? I just don't think so.