Monday, March 2, 2009

It’s Just Extra Hard Sometimes

Let's face it. Waiting for a match/placement/adoption to happen is always hard, every day there's this question in your mind "Am I going to get news today?" The day to day waiting just plain stinks. But you get used to the background of general stinkiness.

Then there are days that are just painful.

My husband's cousin's girlfriend is 4 days overdue and I am excited about their baby, but when I was at a family gathering, my husband's step mom brought a gift for the baby. I pretended to be busy cooking, but for some reason, that hurt. I was talking to the pregnant girl and not uncomfortable at all, and I was feeling her stomach get all rock hard when she had a Braxton Hicks contraction, and then her baby totally rolled over, like her back was facing the left side and she rolled completely over and her back was facing the right side. It was AMAZING. But it triggered the "I'm never going to feel that" emotion. I covered ok, but I did end up going home early with a headache. It's hard to force a smile for a long time.

I was upset, but then my mom came in and was laying on the bed next to me and telling me that I'm brave and yadda yadda. And then she totally twists the knife in my heart. "I'm praying that you'll have a miracle and get pregnant. Is that ok?" NO. It really isn't ok. I thought she was behind this all the way, only to find out that she's praying for pregnancy. "Of course we don't mind if you adopt and we'll love the baby…etc…" It was reminiscent of the feeling I got when Jer's grandmother told him on the night before our wedding that he could still back out; After we'd spent 10,000 dollars on a wedding; Or when my Aunt said that she didn't see anything special about Jeremiah. It was betrayal. And now my mom says this?! Seriously, when are our families going to get behind us 100%? Sure they give to the baby fund, but in their minds, that money could pay for a "Real" baby too. I expect this kind of stuff from strangers, but not from my family.

I did tell her that it wasn't ok and that really wasn't what I wanted right now. (obviously I'd be excited to be pregnant and would still go through with the adoption process as well, because this is something we really believe in, but COME ON!) But she didn't apologize, nor did she say she'd stop praying that way. I can't pretend that this doesn't put a dent in things for me. Before I knew she was secretly holding out for a biological child, I thought she understood the importance of Adoption being our Choice, not a "Second choice". We could have chosen to go through more aggressive fertility treatment, but we chose ADOPTION. So GET WITH THE PROGRAM. Now I'm ticked and hurt and NOW I wonder if she will ever love my baby as much as much as she'll love my brother's future children? I just don't think so.


Melba said...

Wow, this is a tough one, I am so sorry you are hurting and having a rough time right now. On one hand, I'm glad you were able to speak your mind and tell her it wasn't OK, but I'm sorry you had to do that in the first place.

Bri has a similar post tonight regarding a bad weekend with her family (you can find her link on my blog if you don't have it) and some of the issues the two of you have raised are very similar.

I really do think our families mean well overall, there is just so much of this experience that they can't understand because they're not living it directly the way we are. I think there is a larger issue at play here too, which is that they also have to grieve the loss of a biological child. There is and should be a time and place for that, BUT, having said that, they absolutely DO need to get behind you and your adoption decision 100%!

I'm not sure what I would do if I were in your shoes with this incident. I think maybe it would be best to talk to your mom again about all this, after you have had a few days to think it over and begin to repair the hurt this whole encounter created. You may have to tell them repeatedly, but your family needs to get the message loud and clear that you need and expect their support, and that you will also expect it when your REAL BABY finally arrives!

Ugh...sometimes I hate the fact that adoption brings forth so many difficult and painful issues for people, I wish it could just be simple.

Hang in there and know that I'm thinking about you!


Kel said...

Thanks Melba, and you're right, there is a loss on her end as well, I just wonder if she's willing to accept it as a loss. Y'know? She may never really look at it that way. I know my mother loves me, and I know she will love the kid on sight. I was just really dissappointed to hear her say that.

I just looked at Bri's post and I feel for her. That is just hard,I can't imagine what I would do if I had a sister who was pregnant right now. A cousin's girlfriend is hard enough!

I'm so glad we "Adoptive people" understand one another, we're a whole sub culture all on our own!

And WHY does it have to be so hard? But then, every good thing comes from struggle.

Kathleen said...

Family and friends can sometimes be the worst. I remember when Pete and I talked to his parents about adoption they were so taken a back, it was like "not in our family". Especially when we talked about adopting from China or another foreign country. It was hard and insulting. It took me a long to to understand when people aren't facing the issue of infertility, they just can't comprehend anything out of their "norm". My Mom on the other was great, of course my brother is adopted. He is the eldest of my siblings and is til this day my Mothers Miracle baby, even know she gave birth 4 times after. He holds a very special place in her heart, because, she truly felt God sent him to her for so many reasons. Needless to say, my Mom understood our struggles a little too much. I guess the light to her story is she tried for 10 years and was told she would NEVER give birth to a child, so they turned to Catholic Charities to adopt. Just a few months after bringing home my brother, she found out she was pregnant with my eldest sister...a true miracle!
I too have had so many of those "bad weekend" since having the girls. We struggled so much to get pregnant and then after they came, we were told I could no longer have any more babies due to my heart condition. It sucks the most when you feel the option has been taken away, rather than choosing not to do something...does that make sense?
I will have to say Kelley I have just witnessed a true miracle of God in regards to two babies in the past 2 weeks.... I know I keep saying...but I feel your time coming. Have faith in this Lenten Season!

Kel said...

Kathleen, you've made me think. Regardless of the outcome of this season of Lent, I do need to focus on the Lord in this time. To remember His sacrifices and His enduring gift.

I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing. It irks me that someone as well meaning as my mother trying to support me can send me into a spiral of dark thoughts. You and the other readers of this blog have really made a difference in my life.

I was just noticing that I didn't take the time to pray in my last post, which is really one of the most helpful things I do on this thing. I need to remedy that, and will as soon as I get home tonight.

Thank you and Melba for your uplifting comments and positive thoughts and prayers in my direction. Please know that I think about and pray for you and thank God for your encouragement everytime I do pray.

Big hugs!