Monday, May 25, 2009

Busy weekend!

My parents were here this weekend, in fact they just left for home an hour ago! Mom and I worked on getting a bit of decorating done in the nursery, and I have to admit, it was really nice to be able to do that with her. Even though there is no little one in sight, it was comforting to be doing something like this with my mom. I feel like I miss out on so much of the natural "mother hen" advice and preparation and family bonding moments that are unconscious when a woman is pregnant.

Have you ever notice how supportive people are to a pregnant woman? Everyone looks out for the pregnant woman and encourages them. Even the dreaded belly pat is symbolic of the regard and care we have as humans...even as mammals for the pregnant female. (I was watching one of those survivor shows, and dolphins protected a pregnant woman from a shark and helped her stay a float. Gorillas and Chimpanzees touch pregnant group member's belly and nurture them.) A friend of mine is on bed-rest due to some concerns for her pregnancy and when I found out, I offered to come and entertain her, as did many others. I am happy to be supportive of pregnant women, I think they are the most beautiful creatures in the world. But I can't help feeling a little left out.

Let's look at it this way, I've been paper pregnant for....over 10 months. By now if I were actually pregnant, and 42 weeks into gestation, people would be pouring out the sympathy and eagerly talking to my belly and the baby saying: "come on kid! We want to meet you!" And the Doctors would be talking induction. And all the weeks prior to this, there would be visits to the doctor where my kind OB/GYN would make sure things were going ok, and that the baby and myself were healthy. There would have been at least one baby shower, and my mom would be here waiting with us to deliver, cleaning my house and my dad would be cleaning my garage and mowing my lawn. (OH WAIT! He did do that! I love my dad. He has to have a project, and hanging a new mantle wasn't enough, he had to clean the garage and edge for me. He's so cool.)

My point is, people take care of the biologically pregnant woman, while the waiting woman needs just as much nurturing and care, if not more! And we don't have that belly stickin' out there to yell "I NEED SOME ATTENTION AND CARE!" And most of us feel uncomfortable asking for that kind of nurturing, or even stupid saying: "Let's go shopping for baby clothes." It makes people sad for us instead of excited. I've been stewing about this for a week and a half now, and perhaps a bit longer...but I just had to write about it, it's been driving me crazy!

I've also come to a realization about myself. I have adopted(pardon the pun, it was an accident) the attitude of entitlement that I despise in others. And I'm really disgusted with myself. I need to get it through my head that I am not entitled to a child. It is not my right to be a mother. It is not my right to be chosen by a birthmother. It is a privilege. I need to get this chip off my shoulder and let go.
EDIT!: I see the attitude of entitlement in other people regarding "material goods" I would never and have never thought of any of my fellow waiting moms, or adoptive moms that I know as having this attitude. I saw it in myself and wanted to squash it. If any of you feel that you are entittled, I've never seen it.

While I'm no less deserving than anyone else, I am not more deserving either. I await God's blessing, but I am not entitled to it, and I confess my pride to all of you and to my God, who I know will forgive me. I am so sorry to have held that covetous greed for a child in my heart, instead of an honest hope.



Melba said...

I don't know how I missed this post, Kelley! It sounds like you had a busy and productive weekend, which is awesome!

In regards to the other are only human, so it's natural for you to feel some sense of entitlement. Becoming a mother at our age (or thereabouts) does feel like a right of passage in our society, so the fact that it hasn't happened for you and Jer yet is bound to make you feel a little down, and a little left out.

I guess all I'm trying to say is...don't be too hard on yourself for the way you've been feeling.

I certainly understand your frustration better than I can say. Towards the end of our wait, I really did not like some of the thoughts and attitude I was having, but at the time, I couldn't have changed that even if I had known Charlie was right around the corner!

The wait is hard, but you are doing great! Hang in there, and baby yourself some since other people don't get that you need to be babied as much as, or more than any other "pregnant" woman.



Kel said...

I will try not to be too hard on myself. I've been doing a lot of self evaluation and prayer lately, reading in the Proverbs and Psalms, and sometimes the themes hit close to a pocket of attitudes that I don't like in myself. But I'm not exactly whipping myself or anything, just cleaning out the closet! :D

I so appriciate your encouragement!