Friday, June 5, 2009

Fears...Give them to me!

I want to know what your biggest Adoption Fear was/is.

Mine: Never being chosen, and the birth family wanting too much or too little contact, and not knowing what that means until it's WAY too late.

Alright women. Fess up, help me out here.

What are you scared of? And if you're not adopting and just like to read my drama, I'm enabling anon. comments. Tell me your mothering fears!


Rebekah said...

My fears came in shades...Never being chosen, the mother changing her mind, not instantly able to love him/her...I'm sure there were others.

By January, of this year, we had waited almost 6 months and one person had looked at our profile, the agency was talking about closing their doors, and Ben and I started to give up. We decided that we were only going to wait until our home study expired...and then we were going to be done. That decision brought on a whole new set of fears...What if we never have kids...What if we have to adopt through foster care and I never get to rock a newborn...

This process sucks. And it definitely is a process. You go through so many emotions...

I can't tell you to "trust God" because I sure didn't. January also marked our 5th year of trying to have a baby. I had stopped talking to him a long time before...

What I can say is hang in there. Don't give up.

Melba said...

My biggest fear was definitely never being chosen. It's funny, but despite reading match stories of everyone else, I honestly didn't think our time would ever come. Perhaps that was a defense mechanism, I don't know? And after the fact, the fear was having it all come crumbling down...i.e., a failed match or disruption.

While in the pool, I was also very afraid of having to wait for a REALLY long years. I know that happens, and the people to whom it happens usually deal with it so gracefully. I didn't think I would be able to handle that with any kind of positive energy. Of course, I WOULD have waited as long as I had to, but I don't think I would have dealt with it very well, and that scared me.

At the risk of rambling on too much, I guess also just the process itself was scary. We are VERY fortunate with our case worker, she is amazing! Every time I would start to get myself worked up over something, she would immediately calm my fears and make me feel better by educating me about the process. But when you enter into the adoption process, you enter into the unknown in a big way. Adoption is something that happens in other people's lives, right? I always knew a lot of people who were touched by adoption (coincidence?) but still somehow finding myself at the entrance to that doorway, despite how much I wanted to be there, was fear inducing for me.

Great post topic, I'll be interested in checking back to see what some of the other responses are!



Kel said...

I know those fears. Waiting forever is a big one, what if I never know the feeing of rocking my baby? I remember when I was afraid that I'd never know what pregnancy felt like. And as far as I know right now, I never ever will, and I cried over that one. I wept bitter tears of an angry and confused woman.

I stood in my kitchen and yelled out the window at God. I told him how angry I was and how much this hurt and how it felt like HE didn't trust me. That I wouldn't adopt one of His little ones who needed me. When I had every intention of adopting as well as having a baby. I think that is one of those defining moments in my life. I had to choose to love God at that moment and it cut me like razor wire.

People try to joke about how "lucky" we are to never have stretchmarks, but our stretchmarks are invisible, they are on our hearts, and they HURT far more than the evidence of a child's gestation.

This process is so HARD. We are like warrior mothers. We go through an emotional war with this process.

Jamie said...

I am just in tears right now reading these words.....i want to comment, but i'll have to come back....hugs to all of you

i love the comment about the "stretch marks" on our heart.......

Melba said...

warrior mothers...WOW, I like that one, gave me chills!

Kel said...

Jamie! I'm handing you a virtual tissue!

mandamike said...

My fear is not being good enough for my daughter. She is my greatest gift and I never want to tarnish that.

Also, since we've been 'waiting' for #2 to join our family I fear that our next baby will never come. I over analyze our adoption profile and feel like we are missing something that our birthparents need to see/read.

I often reflect on quote given by Gorden B. Hinkley "Life is like an old-time rail journey; delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
I am so glad that I am blessed with building my family through adoption, despite the heartache and frustration of having no controll those bursts of speed are TOTALLY worth it. Without it I wouldn't be a mother today.
(you know me from LJ 'waveracer')

Kel said...

Hey! Waveracer, nice to see you here; and thank you so much for contributing to this thread!

I hope with all my heart your second child comes to you soon!

The ride can be tough, we just have to find joy in all the places we can!