When I first realized I wasn't going to be able to have biological children, I was angry. I was angry at God for taking my motherhood from me. I have always wanted children. Even when I was a child I knew I wanted to be a Mommy some day. So, for me to have my fertility in jeopardy initiated a fear that I would never be a mother, that produced anger toward God, the world, irony, etc.
But once I calmed down, after some yelling at the ceiling and God, and crying in the shower, I came to a realization.
My infertility was not a punishment, nor was it an insult from God. Instead it was the opposite. It was a compliment. God telling me that he trusted me to love someone not because I produced them, but because He needed me to. Once I embraced this idea; I went from Angry to Enthusiastic. I was on fire. I am still on fire. I have passion for my Adoptive child and I've not even met their birth parents yet.
I am excited to meet my child; I am excited to pray for birth mothers of other people's adoptive children, I am in love with the love that awaits me.
I am thankful for God's trust in me. I now look at my infertility in a new way. I can't say that I'm completely thankful for it, but I am thankful for the opportunity I have to be a mother in a special way, a way that to me means that I have God's favor.
That may not be something that other people are willing to accept, but I'm going to run with it, because it feels right.
My prayer tonight is for Kristen in Denver and Amber in Tacoma. May you be wise in your decisions, and confident with the decisions you make. I pray that Jesus will comfort you in your trials and that you will find a way to celebrate your bravery. I pray for Sarah and Jonathan in Portland, and Kate and Wilson in Seattle. May your children find you and God comfort you while you wait.