Tuesday, March 31, 2009

When Did This Happen??

My entire outlook on motherhood has changed. I know that you all know how much I want to be a mother, but not so long ago my mom asked me if it was ok if she prayed for a miracle pregnancy; and while I would be happy if the situation arose, my answer was "NO." and I meant it. It was a moment of clarity that perhaps I didn't key in on until yesterday.

I was watching one of those shows about pregnancy and birth, you know on TLC or Lifetime or Discovery…anyway, I watched and was happy when the babies were born and I thought they were cute and all, but then I watched the show called Adoption Story on Discovery and I was bawling through the whole thing. I could identify with the waiting mother, I had compassion for the birthmothers, and then that moment of handing over the baby came and I was an absolute mess. My dreams have indeed changed. It used to be the pregnancy shows that brought me to my knees with tears and prayer, and now…my only dream is my little baby out there somewhere either just beginning life, or floating around in the womb of a mother undecided. Adoption has become more than just my choice over infertility treatments; it has become my hope and my dream.

Bri wrote about the "Hard Part" of adoption and while I sat on my couch reading her thoughts, and agreeing with her on a point by point level, it further cemented this reality of adoption in my heart. Bri says, "When I think about the woman whose pain will begin when mine "ends," I get sick to my stomach. When I think about the possibility that my child will have a deep, eternal wound from be about the possibility that my child will have a deep, eternal wound from being placed for adoption, a wound that I cannot heal, it makes me sick to my stomach." It resonated with me. It even haunted me. I thought about it and worked it over in my mind examining the thought from every angle, and trying to reason through it. The truth is, it is not logical; there is no reasoning it out. There is no way to make myself able to stomach it any more than Bri could when she wrote it down. All we can do is live it when it comes and have faith that the life of everyone involved will be enriched through the pain of making this decision, this relationship, succeed.

Hopefully it will not be the end of our child's relationship with his/her birth family. Hopefully, it will be the beginning of a new kind of extended family, one that has open arms for everyone to be related. Hopefully pride and jealousy can be supplanted by generosity and love. I like that as bleak as the loss looks, there is the possibility, the glimmer of hope.

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for your miracle of adoption, this miracle you've made that has so many sides and facets. Thank you for all of the people involved their hearts committed to the benefit of your child. Thank you for dreams you've changed and remade for your glory. I pray that with your help, we will be able to walk this road in a manner that will be pleasing to you, no matter the pain that comes with it. Help me to bear the trials that will come with being an adoptive mother and family. I commit to seeking your perfect guidance every day of my life.

Thank you for your provision,


1 comment:

Maru and Fico said...

I'm right there with you... I know how you feel because I feel the same way. My entire outlook has changed too! I have no idea of when it happened, but I somehow came to understand that this is where we're meant to be, this is God's plan, and I'm at peace with it. Does it mean we're healing?

Thanks for sharing your prayer.

- Maru