I wrote this in response to a friend who wrote to console me a little bit, and I ended up writing her a novel in response. I hope it isn't so disjointed that it's impossible to follow, because I'd feel bad for writing it to her! Sometimes my mind only processes things through the written word. And sometimes that doesn't come easily either.
Anyway I discovered that in many ways it could be written to many of you who faithfully pray for me, and for the families I ask you to keep in your prayers as well.
Dear__________________,(fill in your name here.)
I'm doing ok, I firmly beleive that these particular cases that I hear about prior to the viewing of adoptive family profiles need something from my prayers and that of my friends. That God specifically wants me to pray for them. Otherwise I have no idea why I would be informed of some people and not others. Many birthfamilies have viewed our profile without our prior knowlege, so I'm going with the idea that my prayer is somehow important for them, and that your prayers for them are important for them. I am in a sense involved in their journey regardless of my benefit from it. If anything I am becomming a person who is much more inclined to pray for others, with no claim on the outcome of those prayers. Praying unselfishly, for the benefit of others. I know that God cares about me, that He loves me, and I know He has someone special for me to parent and love. Perhaps there is an element selflessness that I need to learn in my prayerlife, my life and in my dealings with others. I do a lot of good things for people, but I don't always do them out of selflessness. I do it sometimes because it brings me happiness, and sometimes an overemphasized pride.
I don't mean to say that I am a terrible person or that I'm being punnished or anything like that, but that "God's Waitingroom" is a place to work on some of the ways I need to become more like Jesus. Not that there is a "level" to be reached, but an awareness. I have always been a confident person, but a lot of that comes with knowing I am smart enough, strong enough, brave enough etc... not that I have a vulnerable relationship with God. I know that in my own strength of abilities, I am determined enough to wait, but am I vulnerable enough in my relationship with God for Him to be my strength while I wait? I have to say that I am definately reaching my edge. There is not much left of my faith in my own strength. My heart is indeed broken, But my faith that God cares about me hasn't diminished. I do get angry with the lessons. I've never really LIKED being shown my shortcommings.(who does? But I am uniquely resistant to the fact that I CAN BE WRONG, and worse, that I may not know the answer to everything.) I kind of feel like taffy that's being pulled or bread being kneaded, I have to go through it so that the end product is of a proper flexibility to make a good bread or the perfect crown removing taffy. :D [She is a fellow dental professional which is why the crown thing is funny]
I said at the retreat that [she} spoke at a few years ago that I didn't think I had much of a testimony. Well, I think God took it as a challenge. Because I will have a tale of growth in the Lord to tell when this is all said and done. And then, I'll be ready to start the whole process over agian when we desire our second child! :D
I so appriciate your prayers for me, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you are sticking with me through this.
With deepest gratitude,[and I mean that to all of you]