Psalm 130

(Holman Christian Standard Bible)
Awaiting Redemption
A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I call to You, LORD!
2 Lord, listen to my voice;
let Your ears be attentive
to my cry for help.
3 LORD, if You considered sins,
Lord, who could stand?
4 But with You there is forgiveness,
so that You may be revered.
5 I wait for the LORD; I wait,
and put my hope in His word.
6 I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning—
more than watchmen for the morning.
7 Israel, put your hope in the LORD.
For there is faithful love with the LORD,
and with Him is redemption in abundance.
8 And He will redeem Israel
from all its sins.

I've mentioned before the study I'm doing in the Psalms, and it continues to be incredibly relevant to the situation of Waiting.

I've done some messed up things in my life, and I've stood by while other people have done things that I can't believe I didn't say more to deter them from what they did. And to be honest, I find it easier to reconcile myself to the things I've done that are awful than the things I've failed to do or things I've failed to oppose more vocally.

But in the study, the author, Beth Moore has shown me that because I believe, and because I ask, I'm forgiven for even that. Because He refuses to keep score. Those things I did, or didn't do, they are not the cause of my infertile body. Rebekah from "Heart Cries" mentioned in a post that "God closed Hannah's womb, and hers"... and mine as well; not to punish us for wrongs but to bring great joy and amazing love that honors HIM. The assumption of guilt is mine alone. He didn't put that on me, He died to take it away.

And then we get to the waiting part. Waiting on the Lord to move in our lives is Biblical. And having hope and waiting; the words as written in this Psalm are translated "With the indivisible element of expectation." And in Greek,the word"Hope loses all meaning without anxious expectation." (pg 126, Stepping Up, Beth Moore 2008.)

So, what on earth am I getting at? All of these anxious feelings of expectation and worried hope, they're not just "natural" they are validated by Scripture. Which may not mean a lot to the non-christian, but to me, it means that these feelings are not in someway antagonistic to the faith I have in God. My anxiety over waiting on Him to move in my life and bring us our child,(not to mention taking over the guilt I once felt for things I've done) is not showing a weakness in faith, but that these feelings come from my faith. That it is important to my journey, my growth in my relationship with God to be expectant and anxious.

And that is "all up in the middle" of where I am spiritually at this point in my adoption journey. God is moving, regardless of the current hopeful situation's outcome, God is moving in my life, and it just keeps getting more amazing with every day.

Oh Lord our Lord how majestic is your name in all the Earth!
The usual sin came up again, and it jabbed me as it happened, and I thank you for showing me mercy. Help me to keep from it.

Father I pray for S., a woman who needs you. I pray that you will help her, guide her and comfort her.
I pray for K. that she will have courage, that choosing will not be agonizing. It must be difficult to choose between so few. I pray that whom ever she chooses, it will be apparent to her from the start, and not be a hair splitting heart wrenching thing. Give her eyes to see and discern. In the weeks that are ahead, let things collect in her mind about what she might want, or images form in her mind that will trigger something when she looks at the profiles.

Father, if her child is to be mine, I pray you will do more than give us a child, I pray you will show us a friend, a sister and two new family members. Even if she only ever wants to talk to me or email me. That there will be some kind of continuing connection and that her disorder might pass by her child.

Thank you Lord, for your infinite wisdom, your unending grace, and complete sovereignty.

Amen